35. I Owe It To Myself
To get out of the black hole before I fall deeper inside & disappear, the first step was to unapologetically accept the fact I needed help to claim back the crazy me. Need to see a therapist. But to claim back the fit & strong body (yes it was the envy of my mirror) that I had last year January I had to accept the fact that my thighs, my tummy, my under arms were flabby now. No love from others was going to do the job. I had to take my butt to the gym.
I owe it to myself to prioritise myself.
Me? Moi? who have held her head high after a horrendous brutal emotional nerve wrecking thrashing on my mind & soul my divorce process unwelcomingly presented itself for 3 years, could actually cry for help of a therapist!! That I wanted the understanding of my family, friends, enemies, the devil himself/herself. Unbelievable. I was supposed to be strong, I was supposed to ace anything after so many tragedies in a row for 5 years! I thought I knew my mind & body better. Why should I see a therapist when I have a support group but didn’t realise that despite them doing the best they could in their own ways, they were not equipped in the area of this sickly emotions that would take over your mind & soul. It wasn’t a self induced depression. But didn’t see that I owe it to myself.
I dragged on, slowly crushing myself, until some incidents pushed me further down the stairs of the black hole. I found myself crying over what people said & did, I was hurting emotionally, & just wanted to disappear into thin air. I finally buckled against my pride, my silent scream, my laughter which mocked me. So when I picked up the phone to book a time with my therapist, I found myself so small, almost like a lost person, a beaten person, choking as I asked for help. You know what, I felt a slight shift of the rock in my heart when I put the phone down. I owe it to myself to move that rock.
Let me tell you that my visit to my therapist was indeed dramatic. Nature was my partner in crime this time. It snowed non stop the night before & continued all morning, the day of my visit. It created havoc & there was no way I could get into the car, let alone drive it. My first taxi drove into a pile of snow at the side of the road. Called my therapist & told her I won’t make it in time but she said, no worries, I’ll wait. Next one came after an hour, I slipped & flopped onto the snow. The taxi driver didn’t stop talking about the snow, as though I just arrived from a hot country, like I have never seen snow! Literally it was indeed a huge effort to see a therapist. The devil tried to stop me but he couldn’t. I came out slightly lighter in my heart, my eye liner no longer on my eye lids, my lipstick needing a touch up.
Honestly there is no way I can describe how exhaustion envelopes a person. Very alien. Zero energy. I could hardly get through a day without an unexpected nap. I set a lot of timers on my phone to not over dose on unexpected naps! Sometimes I would put on a movie that I particularly want to see, when I am alone, I would just doze off only to wake up to see the ending of it. That spoils it all, with the movie! At times I’d get exhausted by watching some difficult dance moves on the internet; got your movement for the day! Reminds me of a dear late person who once came home after watching his friend play tennis & said that it was exhausting to watch the matches so much so he felt that he had his share of exercise for the week! Bless his soul. I started to see that I owe it to myself.
Had aniexty getting ready to go to the gym. I’d drive & think of all the excuses I could give to my trainer before I reached the car park, like there is no parking space at all, some heavy traffic, some serious deviation that makes you look like an idiot driving in circles. At the gym, whenever I had to do something heavy, I would say I don’t think I can, and my trainer would always say “you are capable of more than you think you can”. When I drive home, I don’t feel like the hulk but simply good that I actually did it; gone to the gym. When I get home, I somehow twist my brain to feel more energetic than before but at night, feel all the pain you can imagine. I owe to myself to think of me.
A lot of my emotions that were triggered related to incidents in the past & recently. I must chant a mantra that I cannot change people’s bad behaviour but mine. By not letting hurtful & bad behaviour slide. I don’t have to normalise them for the sake of belonging in a herd. It took a slap from cancer to do something about this. It will take time …..as I play Michael Jackson’s “Heal the World”
“I owe myself an apology for all the shit I let slide” - SZA - because I owe it to myself.
I go through this phase knowing that I will come out of it. I like the crazy, colourful me with that red lipstick who can still hurt, cry & laugh, dance or get knocked off on the sofa, dress to please me, annoy the devil & still appreciate God for putting up with me through this. I will not be perfect. Love me, love me not. We are all only human. It is not selfish when I owe it to myself in order to recover.
I heard the Whispers of an unseen heart ….”you don’t walk alone”
February 2023