36. Bumpy Ride to Recovery
When I was a kid, anything that swooshed across the sky was either a rocket or a shooting star. No one questioned or doubted! Not even my mother. Now, my eye sight seems to play the same game. Maybe I see it but who cares & who needs affirmations?
Just when you think depression, exhaustion, muscle pain, sleep deprivation overflows & there can be nothing more to add because it is inhumane even for a devil, you are faced with something you least imagine or expect. The dark sky somehow allows you to see all the magic you need to see. It blankets everything real. Don’t forget to look up at the sky once in a while - it is free.
What can be worse than cancer? I used to say whenever I am faced with a new attack on me. I would laugh. I have taken on the big C head on. Sometimes bravery gets dented & I personally believe that there is no action nor emotion that is self-protected, righteous, sacred, unalterable.
So when I was told my test results sucks, I just kept saying those words silently in my head - what could be worse than cancer? Anaemic, iron deficiency, red blood cells are pink! The world have somehow assigned the colour pink for breast cancer, so we are synchronized. I love pink but blood should be red, otherwise I won’t be related to anyone! This is easy fix - eat liver my doc suggested. Don’t know which is worse - pink blood cells or swallowing the liver! I don’t think liver wins, will take other slow alternatives. Crazy!
Okay, appetite has not been all that fantastic & have not reached the level of wanting to lick the plate clean. I know the side effect of the cancer tablet am taking is to put on weight, so wasn’t worried going the opposite direction. Hej, am always different right? Am bleeding somewhere, so narrowed down to my stomach which has been given a choice - sore or tumour. Have been working with my gym instructor to correct the flabbiness, so damn you stomach, be good to me! Am not overworking you! Choose wisely! So more tests..
Nope, didn’t fall down in a shock & cry. I took it all with a smile. Came home & then it hit me. My head needed to clearing, so I cried & someone above nudged me to do so. Spoke to a few - helped to put perspective to my thinking. What was the most painful thing about this? First my soul said can’t take no more shit - exhausted & simply wanted to fly up & hide behind the dark clouds. Hej, am only human. Instead I simply decided to put it behind my head. Call it denial but it is out of my hands. And I worry about my sole strength & supporter - my young princess. Went out to her favourite restaurant where she always feel all so grown up. That’s when she talks the most. My daughter who made me a grandmother came with my little prince & princess. The children always reinstate my faith in mankind. And started my first oil painting project for the year. It takes me away & they speak to me. What is life if it didn’t have its ups & downs? It will be flat!
I question myself whether we can take memories with us we we get our wings & fly away? Do we have a limit? How many gb? Hmmm. Need to have that personal conversation with God & get the most before all the space is taken. Microsoft & Apple didn’t get the deal.
In the midst of it all I came down with a bad bout of flu but this ninja is bouncing back.
At the end of the day, the road to cancer recovery is also in your hands. No one is going to try to understand the complicity of what recovery is nor what it entails. Not even me because this is also new to me. I have to take care of ME! So now it is another journey in the history of my cancer. The palms of my hands are small, yet big enough to pull myself up gently. Also that invisible hand…to fight & sail through & disappoint the devil himself. I rediscovered Simon & Garfunkel’s songs “Bridge over Troubled Waters” & “The Sound of Silence”
I am sure along the way I am going to get whispers from friends, family & enemies alike. Realise many don’t want to hear that it is not over yet - they want to talk to the cancer free me. Please wait. The whispers will blow pass my ears, some soft, some hard, some gentle, some understanding, some nothing more than curiosity, some ne comprends pas, & of course some je m’en fous! All I need is to create havoc to preserve the crazy me. You see the whispers are like a wind, they will just pass you by, only for me to enjoy the gentle breeze & not the words. I hope so….
I’m grateful & thankful for those who have somehow hanged onto the rollercoaster ride with me. You still remain. Big hugs to you.
Excuse me while I go discover a new lipstick colour by mixing & annoy the mirror that reflects.
I heard the Whispers of the invisible hand ….”I will wipe away your tears”
March 2023