37. At Least You Have …
One year anniversary of the butchering of my breast - cancerversary - am I suppose to celebrate? Believe me when I say am grateful to live to say “wow, it was one year ago”. But it never crossed my mind to actually celebrate with a cake depicting a breast & cutting it into pieces! Actually it would have given me pleasure just disecting it! Hmm..maybe next year in celebration of my one-year remission.
I think I have touched on this subject of getting a new boob. It seems to excite certain people more than me. You get to hear “at least you know you will get a new set of firm boobs”. Hey, when I did not have cancer, I was proud of my breast because they were firm for my age. Silicon breast did not appeal to me. Those who have all look alike, breast wise. In a fantasy world, if there was a suspect line up with only boobs visible, it would be difficult to identify the person who stole the Celvin Kline bras! Little did I know at that time that my breasts were dense tissue. Densed tissue have been shown to have a higher risk of breast cancer. So, to those who say the above, please by all means I’ll happily trade places with you. If only I could. The price for a new set of firm breasts is very high & painful. The effect is life long.
Hair growth may look like growing fast but to me it is snail slow. Here again, you get comments like “at least your hair is growing back” & I would have to smile & bow my head & say “gamsahabnida” several times like you see in the Korean series. (I am so hooked on Korean series & a life saver during my difficult period). Of course my hair would grow back but it is going to take a long time before I can do anything about it. It is rather soft & somehow is difficult to style it. Some days you get the flat look as though someone took the lawn mover & drove a straight line over your head, with all the weeds curling up on the sides. It is the in-between period of hair growth that you cannot do anything unless you decide to go back to being bald. Actually I got more compliments then compared to now. However, there is no denial that when you walk out on a rainy day or windy day, your hair remains the same. Plus hair wash has never been the easy.
There are so many “at least” comments ( related to eye brows, eye lashes, the food you eat) that after a while you just smile & disappear into the clouds. Sometimes when I am in a pensive mood, I think of all the visible things that identified me, before cancer, might look to the outside world as reemerging but only I know that I will never be the same again. I may “look well” which I hear all too often & am grateful, but only my eyes will tell the story, the story of being robbed of one’s soul by something so small yet so huge, cancer. But I guess my lips didn’t experience any changes because it did not shrink nor disappear during the whole journey of treatment. My lipsticks are cheering …
Have faithfully gone through what ever was necessary to know if I am cancer free for now or if cancer has found a better comfortable place to navigate its launch of attack from. Don’t know what is worse - the doubts creeping into your head, taking the tests, or waiting for the results? The waiting wins hands down. CT-scans of my stomach & belly were done & in a couple of weeks, mammogram & ultrasound of my breast & the operated area respectively. Decisions will be made after all the results. These things that are out of my control I keep saying to comfort myself, to stop me from freaking out, to imagine the worst. Until then will have to depend heavily on my crazy self, mental flirtation, dance away & keep that lips coloured.
Please don’t get me wrong - am grateful that you all care but sometimes they do come out wrong & emotions overrides when you least expect it. There are no guide books to follow. There can never be a comparison with anyone you know because cancer & recovery is all so personal. And I am a crazy one.
Today took my daughter (who has been my biggest supporter & rock) to look at some furnitures to update her room - thought we could do something fun. Then the phone rings & I get a bad news medically, related to my well being, needs to be medicated & I cannot ignore it anymore. I tried my very best, which I succeeded, to put that out of my mind & enjoy the outing. It was so nice to see an excited young lady so interested in updating her room. Takes after me, I guess. Driving home, a song triggered my emotions, thank God I was wearing sun glasses (the odd sunny day in Sweden, as though someone up there was watching over me) because I tried hard to blink away the tears. During me-time late in the night, many past scenarios flashed pass me; I have things to do, I told myself. But tonight I am allowed to wallow in just myself, play some slow songs on repeat, cry & laugh at the same time, smile & dream away, imagine all the things that is not attainable in reality but attainable in dreams. Tomorrow I would have washed away all these & get on with it, come what may. What can be worse than cancer right? Que sera sera!
I want to believe that there is a silver lining for every negative impact that is thrown at me. Am sure I will see the rainbow when I least expect, even when no one else can see it. Miracles comes in different forms, not just an obvious cure. Our miracles will be different because we are individuals.
Someone told me today, “you have gone through so much & of course it will affect your health which is happening now” It dawned on me that I never acknowledged it. Despite all things that came my way, always stood up again, but never saw nor acknowledged that I have indeed gone through so much, even before cancer took over. Being strong sucks because where do you draw the line? When do you stop talking about it before it becomes tiring to others?
I am grateful that I am able to write these - wanted it to be so funny but things don’t always go the way I want - that’s why it is called reality. At times it gives me the shivers just thinking about it but here I am. Lalitha is still alive & around to give hell to many, irritate many & love many. That includes God because I discovered my unconventional, unethical & cool way of communicating without being judged.
Love you all…
I heard the Whispers of my soul ….”let go”
April 2023