38. My best friend!
During my session with my therapist, she said something which made me think hard. How can I not know that there is always one best friend who will always be by your side no matter what, during good & bad times, through thick & think. Like a shadow. In fact we all do. I am MY best friend! You are YOUR best friend! It took a cancer’s hug & a therapist to point that out to me. So treat yourself like how you would treat your best friend, my therapist said. Are you surprised? I am. Yet it made sense. For now anyway.
They say bad news comes in threes. Mine seems to surpass the number 3 in this roller coaster journey my friend the Cancer has painstakingly carved out for me. Ok I need to be fair here. Cancer itself have presented surprises on its own. Looking back, I’ve done things which otherwise would not have done; accepted things which I would not have done; taken extra care of myself which otherwise I would not have done. Things are no longer taken for granted, especially when it comes to moi.
Pressure & sugar level seems to find joy in playing the yo-yo. Sometimes, I have no more spots left on my finger to prick for a blood test. Given up several weeks in-between.
CT-scan results came with some surprises - my stomach which was the main concern was great, ready to receive food in abundance. It was just a phase where I couldn’t eat & had no appetite. My pink blood cells became red again matching my lipstick & iron deficiency became normal. Superwoman! Unexpectedly & surprisingly my lungs disappointed me. And I have been good to you my dear lungs. It is a wait & see kind of thing at the moment. In 3 months’ time another CT-scan. I can do nothing at the moment unless I have fever & pain, then I will have to scream my lungs out to my caregivers. For some unknown reason am calm. Am exhausted.
I was looking at a packet of milk the other day & thought to myself, there is always a best before date on almost most stuffs, not just edible stuffs but also things we use. The Covid pandemic brought its own surprises on our physical things as well. How many of you found out that your shoes no longer could carry your weight as the heels came off, the leather almost turned to dust, hand bags had moulds that stayed glued, dresses just came apart like soft tissue paper because they were not used for years? The best before dates on food is actually the shelf life (in the shops) unless it is mentioned use before. Okay I can tell that you are now wondering where am I going with this. What if we humans on the day we are born, an expiry date is added to the birth certificate? How will the world react, how will life be, what standards & morals will we live by? There will be loads of surprises in our lives. I think I would have done most of the things I want to do before I reach the expiry date just because there is a dead line. I work great with dead lines! Then, send out invitation to the right people to come on that particular date to see me off. Imagine I am able to choose the outfit I want, arrange the right music. I could also have a rehearsal couple of days before. Wow! That’s really cool. Right now we wait till we reach retirement age, wait till health issues comes knocking on the door, or wait for an empty nest, to try & squeeze everything we want to do before the unexpected & unknown expiry date. You always think that you will live another day, another week, another month, another year. The worst part, you don’t even know when your expiry date takes effect. We have absolute no control.
One can be alone but need not be lonely. This is said many times. But you can be in a room full of people & yet feel lonely. One can have friends & yet feel lonely because of various reasons. Expectations create disapointments. I feel that I am slowly letting go expectations - nothing surprises me most of the time; it occupies your mind for a while but easy to let go. Won’t lie when I say cancer plays a great role in how you see people & also vice versa. I no longer am on the same wave length as many because there is a constant struggle to dismiss the mind set cancer has created, just to be able to fit into society. I think we all try to say “ I am fine” with a smile because there come times when you no longer want to mention the word “sick”. Should get over it, right? I find myself simply saying “I’m as good as can be” & leave it there. And it does feel good. Because I have my best friend beside me.
As a cancer patient or survivor the only thing active on my mind is another day of remission, another week of remission, another month of remission, another year of remission. Those expiry dates will become invisible as I dance through the days, weeks, months, years. My presence will be felt, heard, laughed at, mocked at, screamed at, occupying a space which is meant just for me. Yes I will have my ups & downs in the midst of it all. I will vacate when it is time, with my best friend.
Okay, am going to have a discussion with the almighty about me wanting to clown around - need to surprise my best friend too. My best friend is all for it.
Laugh a little everyday guys. Hugs to all.
I heard the Whispers of life….”there is more”
May 2023