39. Simply Smile
When you are born, an expiry date is created somewhere. That’s the circle of life. In my opinion anyway. You cannot throw a tantrum about it. But when you are born, no one in the right mind would think of this. You simply bring utmost joy, you become the centre of everything, you are photographed every second. If anything you are blessed with a “long life”. Unless of course you have a step sibling who wants you dead because you will now share inheritance! Just like in the movies! So I smile...
What a depressing topic to start with, one would think! You would have read the countless times Tina Turner’s song “The Best” surfaced. It has been some kind of mantra for me & still is. Difficult to describe but felt like my mantra was sucked out. Unbelievable! She was 83 & yet somehow I felt she should live forever. How long is forever? Who defines it? She will continue to live through her songs - bless you Tina. Almost every other week someone famous dies, someone close to you dies, & you hear people say “so sad” & then after a week or two, it is out of sight, out of mind. No one would talk about the silly argument or ghosting them while they are alive. Not being able to say goodbye or seeing them off is becoming part of this thing called circle of life. I leave it there. Maybe I should record a song & leave behind a legacy but damn, I can’t sing for pennies! And I smile!
At this stage, I no longer am surprised at any of the test results or side effects of cancer treatment. It is the sheer exhaustion, the pain in my joints & muscles especially at night, the sudden dips that clouds me even on a sunny day are the ones that occupies my time & mind. You just have to do something to distract yourself from all these. There are times exhaustion takes over even while you are reading at the breakfast table. I would just fold my arms on the table & lay my forehead on it & just let go. Shut my eyes for a few minutes & then it is okay. It works. But I smile…
Exercising has been a great help I must confess. You feel you have achieved something impossible. It makes you feel alive, feel strong, feel light. You walk with a bounce to your car, just like all the celebrities always looking good coming out of the gym. Almost like it was staged. Then you come home & feel that you need to keep the bionic woman going & do too many things abusing the word multi-tasking. It knocks you off. Somehow, when I keep moving, I seem to beat the feeling of exhaustion for a while. But I smile.
Sometimes I forget that my hair is growing & I am no longer bald. I would forget to comb/fix my hair & suddenly realise that while driving. Am lucky though because of the curls. Messy but so what. It is the in thing to have a messy hair do. While celebrities pay so much to have one & look good, mine is free & styled by cancer! When people comment on my hair, I say that. Then I pretend to walk the red carpet walking slowly (you shouldn’t rush in) into the supermarket, pause at the vegetable section before picking a cucumber. Doing grocery in style. I smile!
I wore my evening high heels after such a long time; went for a function after a long time & I felt good, partly because 90% at the function had no clue of my cancer. I moved like royalty, without a visible crown, almost so naturally. Or was I playing a role? Don’t know but I was comfortable. Therapy is working. I smiled.
My main line of answering nowadays is “am as good as can be” when questioned how I am feeling. No malice but by now I can feel & know when it is tiring to meet Lalitha with cancer rather than just Lalitha. Lalitha with a red lipstick with a mop of different shades of ash coloured curls on her head. The mum who sing along to BTS on repeat in the car & make my super support Natasha raise her eyebrows with disbelief. But she must secretly think mum is cool. We smile.
I’ve lived another day, another week, another month. I’ve struggled a bit along the way, have been misunderstood along the way, have been expected to be normal along the way, am expected to be cancer free. So you stop talking but communication has so many formats. I write. I cannot live up to everyone’s expectations. I can only live up to my body’s expectation, live up to my mind’s expectation. Any other expectations, I will have to deal with it my way, even if it means having an argument with God. We smile!
Smile & the whole world will smiles with you, It is contagious. Come smile with me, without judgment.
Love you all!
I heard the Whispers of a smile….”it helps”
June 2023