40. Finding Myself
Armed with thoughts from my sessions with my therapist, I decided I needed to take a break & go away for a long break. Go to a place far away from Sweden & Malaysia. And I needed to go back to my hometown to see if all my anxieties, the final stage that pushed me into the black hole, make me fall again or make me let go. The only weapon I had was my mantra “no expectations = no disappointments”
Armed with my travel buddy i.e. my daughter, we landed in Malaysia on my birthday. No, forgot to arrange a royal welcome but my little angel of a daughter softly sang happy birthday before we landed - “my cup runneth over” . Once we got comfortable & settled in KL, we decided to take that adventurous trip - Japan.
Suddenly Japan was an alien country because “no one” seems to know “anyone” in Japan. Was looking for a comfort zone, a secure zone to cling on in a foreign land. Thought if someone knew someone, I would feel safe, a just-in-case kind of security. Actually I was looking for someone to lean on to be honest. This would be my first big adventure without the full family.
Was I nervous? You bet I was. Was not confident of taking that huge step from not being able to go to a mall on my own since January (those of you who follow my cancer journey will know) because depression overtook my mental health then.
Then I gave up depending on anyone. I just woke up one day & decided that I cannot wait for someone to stretch out a hand & guide me. Sometimes, it takes madness, fury, disappointments, daringness, self-challenge & loads of anxiety attacks to book that flight & just go… without knowing what was waiting for us. I forgot all about my cancer when I landed & said “here we go”. Nobody could tell I have cancer - I was all dolled up with my red lip stick! Plus, I was going to leave that worry to my medicine. Plus I was no longer bald. Plus I forgot my age. Some may call it denial but it is just another word!
We were so lost on the first day but gradually found ourselves with the kindness & helpfulness of the Japanese people. We stayed at a great hotel where the staff, esp at the concierge were absolutely helpful on an unexpected level. Who could forget Hyro-san at the concierge! Somehow, someone was actually guiding us, not in person but the very God that I have conversation with.
Everything went so well & I became more & more relaxed, forgot my cancer or rather did not let that stop me from freeing myself. I actually danced on the street, like I always imagined. Seen so many people do it & always wondered how you would feel doing just that. I felt free, like I was born again, like I was going back to my younger days, like I was doing things which were forgotten, hidden by a pile of “a mother would not do that” guilt. People glanced as they walked by but I couldn’t hear their thoughts. Even if they did comment it would have been in Japanese & I would have just taken it as compliments! Cute! I replaced Cancer with Cute! I replaced Cancer with Courage!
I was surrounded with people who were kind to me, friendly & warm. They didn’t know my condition. I’m beginning to think that strangers’ attitude towards you makes a huge difference to your mental well being. I had to go so far to have this effect.
The question is, will I do likewise when I get back home? Will I be hindered by the thoughts “what would people say”? Will my mind be preoccupied with C? Or think Cute?
Without apologising, am proud of myself & my daughter. She was a pillar of joy to travel with. We made it! I made it! I found myself again! The crazy me! I intentionally forgot my cancer; pushed it out of my mind; I just wanted to enjoy being free again even if it meant for a short period.
Dōmo arigatōgozaimasu Japan. I need to have my conversation with God….. to let me continue to be crazy.
I heard the Whispers of Japan….”kawai”
August 2023