41. Back to reality
A good long break means you still reel in the goodness of it in days, months to come, clinging onto the people’s warmth & surrounding (esp Japan) that broke my shell. And hoping my memory save it in the hard drive of my brain as long as possible.
And to avoid falling into the black hole, I chose this mantra all along, especially while in Malaysia: “no expectation no disappointment”
I found myself again (in Japan). I didn’t see the black hole; I didn’t get any anxiety attacks; I chose not to think of anything negative; I intentionally didn’t want to give cancer the upper hand over my vacation. I only saw what I wanted to do: danced on the street, laughed, smiled, became gentle in my thinking & approach. The Japanese culture indeed must have rubbed off onto me.
When you get back home, reality check automatically falls into place. Not just claiming your home back but there’s always news from the hospital to off balance your mind. Gee! Did I forget I am a cancer patient? I did indeed for 2 months to be honest!
While on vacation, I didn’t want to know anything from the hospital - I chose it; I chose denial; I chose “come what may”; I chose “freedom” from everything to do with C; I chose to indulge in the moment without guilt; I just wanted to feel like a person with no Cancer. Sure some of the side effects were there but I brushed it off & took my tablets like taking vitamins. I jumped into this huge bubble that was filled with fun & joy.
So I took the news & closed one eye. Practising that I cannot do anything about whatever news that came & will continue to come. The other eye remained open to what was waiting for me - to be me. The sun will always manage to squeeze its sunshine through the dark clouds. So I give a damn to what people think or perceive of me. I am going to do all the things that makes me me, that projects me, the crazy me. That doesn’t mean I am strong - that wasn’t a choice all along. It was survival. Now - persevere will have to be part of my vocab!
The shadow that they saw before in one of my lungs disappeared, which they think was the after effect from radiations. Hurrah! But no, good news have to be laced with bad news. Now both my lungs seems to indicate something new that is not supposed to be there. No quick decision here; they want to do another CT-scan to determine. So I wait. No speculations. You can remove the breast(s) that is trying to kill you but you cannot do that with the lungs. Everyone have the right to cry, be miserable. You cannot bottle it. I would be lying if I didn’t say choked sobs came long after the news sank into my head - not that I was worried but would have been nice to have someone around to give me a hug. My pillar of strength was not at home - she would have said her famous line “everything is going to be alright”. But an invisible hand held mine to let me know I’m not alone.
I’m feeling good, so I tell myself not to worry even though it tries to creep in once in a while. Learning to breathe in & out beautifully because I want to believe my lungs are beautiful. It needs TLC because it feels neglected since I focused so much on my breast…hmm. Started to hit the gym which knocks me off & I think I should have waited a few more weeks before punishing myself. Then I glance in the mirror, all tired & sweaty & see a vision of a slim & gorgeous self - need to put on that lip stick! And my therapist is there for me to unload what’s on my chest! Couldn’t ask for more….
So I put on some Japanese songs loud & dream away into their land, mentally danced with the strangers. I pretended to be there, just a wee bit longer, my happy place. Everybody is bowing; I bow to myself.
Thank you all of you who still follow me on my journey & have contributed to keep me going one way or other. And also to those who refuse to accept me as me - you made me move forward.
Love & peace to all.
I heard the Whispers of reality….”you’re not done yet”
Sept 2023