42. Am I Scared?
No one have ever asked me “are you scared?” until now. It has always been the standard thing one would say to a sick person - “are you okay? you look good & you are strong; you are will be fine” I would have done likewise in a similar situation.
Was I scared when they told me “I’m sorry to say this, you have cancer”? I don’t think so. Was I scared when I went in for my operation, all my by myself? I don’t think so. Was I scared when they told me that big C had metasised? I don’t think so.
Why? Because I was supposed to be strong to fight this thing called Cancer. Because it never crossed my mind that it was the end of the road. Everything was new; the operation, taking on a new model look of being bald, getting all the attention & looks which baldness brought on, continuous talk of what to eat, weeding out friends & foes, & of course all the pain that came long which I have never experienced before. Moreover, many knew someone who knew someone, or had an aunt who had breast cancer & survived without any problems. There was no time to think otherwise. Or was I in denial all along?
After the CT-scan result went to see my doctor who was about to give me the results of the blood test done a few weeks back. Before he could say anything, I casually said that I am ready for even more bad news & that eventually big C will take my life. I was thinking aloud. It was not meant to be heard by anyone. Was I being vulnerable? So came the question for the first time - was I scared? For the first time I was taken aback. For the first time I felt a lump in my throat. For the first time, I realised big C could issue me a death sentence. For the first time I felt so small & wanted to feel scared. I smiled as he said “everyone will die one day, why think of it?” He ended the whole visit by saying “continue dancing”. I did that when I got home - played “My Universe” by Cold Play & BTS so loud that I couldn’t hear my own thoughts. Beautiful! Blessed to be living with my little girl whose passion is dancing & she has to put up with all the dancing I do around the house.
The shadow they saw previously had disappeared & they were of the opinion that the shadow could be the after effect of the long radiation I went through. I am not thick-skinned after all (a joke) because it went searching for my lungs. But (good news is always laced with some buts) there were some concern about the new spots they noticed in both my lungs this time. So, a new CT-scan (a third one) was scheduled to see if at all there will be some changes to what they saw. Done now, awaiting results - I don’t know which is worst, the waiting or a diagnose!
In the mean time, I cloud my mind continuing to write my novel & living in a make believe world. I hope to get this one published before big C influences my brain to boycott my fantasy skills. Painting helps; there seem to be some kind of pattern here. Have been painting bubbles, done three of them. Each bubble seems to symbolise the things I wish, my expectations, my dreams & people in general. When they burst, it either materialises or vanish & evaporate. And you cannot do anything about it. There are a lot of bubbles that I need to burst because more & more fantasies are bubbling in my head which keeps me going.
As the weather gets darker early & colder, I decided to gift my lips with a new bright red lipstick. That’s going to be the colour this winter I guess. I looked in the mirror the other day & was wondering if I looked better bald, now that I have a mop of hair. I must say I didn’t have to manage my head like I do now. Well who knows what I would do on the spur of the moment. For now, my lips are getting all the attention.
I sometimes dip a little & think about being scared. It is okay to do that I think because I need to go through all these emotions so that they don’t come crashing on my when least expected. I have my wagon of people, near & far, on this train journey who occasionally check on me unconditionally, make you bounce back, make you laugh. You know who you are & I thank you for this. I am blessed to have grandchildren who piles me with innocent love. And the invisible hand that reaches out ….
Life should come with an off-and-on button, so that we don’t have too much expectations from it & overwhelm life itself.
I heard the Whispers of my heart….”don’t be scared”
Oct 2023