43. Still Standing
Sometimes I do not know exactly where am I in this journey because it’s not easy to put into words how you feel and what’s happening. You want to forget whatever the result you get & yet nothing concrete to put your brain at ease. Physically I feel good especially after a good training where my thighs hurt when I climb up the stairs! I am still standing.
There comes a time when I really don’t want to explain. Everything to do with cancer becomes an unhealthy routine - your medical visits, your medicine, & all the boring results & side effects. Why unhealthy? It becomes a norm to feel empty about it & just get on with it. It becomes more personal. Cancer has become my personal friend. Not that I do not want to share but I’ve come to a stage where I just say “it is what it is”. But of course my body does not lie to me. It reminds me that I am a cancer patient. I’m flat chested on my right & I don’t hide that fact. When I lay on my chest I’m a bit unbalanced - have a tendency to tilt to the right! But when I stand up, I’m still standing.
There comes a time when I look at myself in the mirror, any mirror, be it at home or in a shopping mall, all I see is a person standing on her own two feet, reflecting back. Yes, that is all that matters for now. I do look good according to the mirror & the occasional comments I get. But I doubt I can be a Victoria Secret model! My hair has grown enough to keep my vain personality going; hair dresser appointments & talking about the different colours & styles. See, I’m still standing.
There comes a time I need to say the following: if I cannot control the outcome of a result, if I cannot do anything more, if I cannot cry my lungs out, I just have to leave it in the good hands of my doctors & hold on to the invisible hands. The result is in a difficult conclusion. There’s nothing to do for now even though it was showing some tiny dots. For now one conclusion, it could be an infection. It’s not a side effect of radiation as thought before. I am not suffering physically, I’m able to move my body & do things which keeps me busy. I’m training my body but a long way to go to be able to join the Avengers casts though. After all the huffs & puffs in the hands of my trainer, guess what, I’m still standing.
There comes a time I am what I am. I am still that devil (to some) who gets onto your nerves, who is smiling like an unbeaten person, still think there’s so much to do, still believe that there are people out there who cares, still believe in everything a woman clings to. I curse out loud at clothes that don’t look good on me, at a lipstick that makes my lips bigger than my cheeks. I have dreamy visions, love K-pop & K-dramas, heart breaks from movie stars. I cry, laugh, hurt & lean on the invisible arms, & have good days & bad days from my own prespective. When I am writing (my novel) I sometimes say the conversation out loud as I type. Even I think I’m crazy! Like me or not, that’s me. I am me. And the mirror reflects me, with a mop of hair on my head. Which means I am still standing.
There comes a time when I feel I’m going to cling onto something I’ve heard so often: “for a cancer patient, you look good”. Always had difficulties in accepting complements but this will stick. Don’t care what others say or think but am going to walk like a movie star. After all, life is like a movie, we are all just actors in life. Camera! Lights! Action!
Cheers to everyone who has reached this stage. Cheers to everyone who held my hands, near & far to reach this stage. Cheers to everyone who check-in on me sometimes in your own ways. You are all beautiful!
Take it away Elton John, sing that song “I’m still standing”.
Excuse me while I go & convince my Almighty to a sing-along with me. I’m blessed!
I heard the Whispers of “life” ….“you’re still standing”
Nov 2023