44. Sailing into 2024
Exactly a year ago, got into festive mood to celebrate the fuss of welcoming the new year, in the same country. I have survived another year. Grateful for my best friend, the Cancer for its generosity: the obvious growth of my hair, being able to usher in 2024, adding a beginning of yet another year, to breathe, to dance, to annoy people & most of all, to be me.
Now that all the fanfare is over, reflecting back, in my own personal opinion, I ushered in 2024 all dressed up, eating out & joining the crowd for a count down, just to say thank you for another year. Yes, as the clock striked 12 midnight, the only thought that crossed my mind was just “thank you”. No resolutions saying hoping for a better year.
I cannot say 2023 was a bad year; it was what it was for me to survive. The beginning of 2023 saw me needing help with my mental well being. Depression. When I look back, it was not something I had envisaged but it was building up & it was triggered directly after new year in 2023. When I look back, it was a long, difficult, slow process to get out of the black hole but here I am, sailing into 2024 after almost a year of therapy. I was not dead the whole year. It was meant to be a year of mental healing, not just physically. It was what it was.
No, it was not a bad year because I did not let depression conquer me. It made me see a lot of things that I didn’t expect to see, & also the disappearance of people who no longer could hold the title “friends” for one reason or other. The train on this journey will make several stops for people to jump off. That a is life, sick or not sick. However, Cancer did not disappear but continued to be my best friend.
There was hurt & laughter, hurt & clarity, hurt & reality. Baked into all these, were all the hospital visits, uncertainties, but it was not at all unexpected. So that did not make 2023 burdensome. After all, who said anything about new year means new me! I survived. I preserved. I’m as good as I can be. It was what it was.
Last year one of my mantras was “no expectation, no disappointment” which will continue in 2024. I will have no expectation (never have) from my ex to give me peace even this year. I have no expectations about my health either. I leave the trust in the hands of my care givers. No, I am not going to have a flat backside by just sitting down & do nothing. I will continue to exercise, fill my day with things that will keep me going. People around me will change, circumstances around me will change, which will lead to changes accordingly to my daily life. But I have my unseen Almighty whom I will continue to have difficult conversation with. It will be whatever it will be. A beautiful life?
I’m thankful for 2023 & grateful for 2024 because I can continue to create havoc & be crazy. I can dance. I can dream. Some days big dreams, some days small dreams. I will be more vain because now I will have to fuss over my hair style because I haven’t found a style that sticks to me. After all life is like a movie, & I will have to look the part of that particular movie for a season. Camera, action!
The word cancer will be in my shadows but I will not shadow cancer from my being me.
Be you. Be kind. Love you all.
I heard the Whispers of “2024” ….“be you”
Jan 2024