34. Invisible Depression
The dictionary’s take on the word depression is ‘the state of feeling very unhappy & without hope for the future’ . ‘A mental illness’. No, I have no medical capacity to indulge deep into this. It is so wide; everyone is an individual going through an individual mental illness. It’s personal. But the black hole exist for everyone going through this & is described differently. I can only tell my story. Unfortunately, breast cancer patients are prone to this sorry state of mind. And it is not visible.
I was told last year while undergoing the various phases of treatment for metastatic breast cancer that the after effects of these treatment eg weight increase/loss, severe exhaustion & depression, will plague me the following year or years. It seemed far away then, not realistic right? Surely but slowly it descended on me when I was least prepared. How can I prepare? How was I to know that my mind will need help? No one prepared me for this. I didn’t cough it up to the surface. Then you are told you are to go on Anastrozole for the next 5-7 years (!) which comes with free gifts thrown in abundance, like depression, muscle pain, sleep deprivation, yo-yo weight issues, to name a few.
Why is it that people think cancer is like having a fever & flu where you drown your body with tablets, some home made remedies for a week or so & then you are back to making life miserable for others (that’s the sign you are ok)? Lord have mercy, everyone is at your mercy, running around making sure you are fine. Is it because you present the perfect picture of sickness & helplessness? Then you become superhuman again, to the smiles & applaud of everyone. Is that how we are to perceive any sickness in general? Maybe I am doing my make-up all wrong. I need to put some dark shadows around my eye to give that zombie look. Goerge Romero, where are you? P.s. He made the movie Night of the Living Dead.
Many are unaware that when you’ve done with all the chemo, radiations etc, you are not “fit & fine” & able to get on with your life immediately. What life? You have to heal physically & emotionally. Many expect me to immediately run a marathon, climb the Himalayas, swim in the ocean & fight the sharks. In other words back to “normal” if that is normal. Wrong! Maybe in a few years, who knows, if my chemo brains still remembers it.
Society fails because they don’t expect you to be depressed, don’t expect you to “continue” with pain, don’t expect you to have severe exhaustion, don’t expect you to use the word “cancer” no more. It’s heavy. Even more heavier when society don’t accept a “strong” person to have depression.
Sometimes things are said without understanding the impact it has on you. Everything is generalised. Not easy to comprehend how, me with my bright red lips, a consistent smile on my face, could cry for no reason, could find the world crushing down early in the morning, could find the sunshine looking like grey sky because of the black clouds in my head, could have anxiety attacks going to a huge mall alone (my credit card was cold). Hurtful incidents, hurtful words said, no comfortable or caring words uttered when your mind wildly swims up to the surface longing to hear it, will all trigger some kind of sadness.
I want to believe that people don’t know & need to be educated to understand how sickly vulnerable this sickly state of mind can be at times. Ain’t easy at all. It is also okay to walk away & say nothing too. It is not sympathy that we look for….
I cry but pull myself up, drag myself to do stuff, put a smile on the face the mirror reflects. Camera! Action! Like acting. Who do I need to contact to recommend myself for an Oscar? Mental flirtation is jeopardised because the freakin’ dark clouds are blocking the music, breaking the legs of the guys standing in line trying to ask me for a dance. Damn! Not giving that up so easily! I’m here to dance…
Guess what, I will put on my red lip stick & fight like a little ninja. My care givers are wrapping me with therapy. My trainer will throw the punching bag at me. Even then I will fall several times for sure, which I have the right to. And I want to believe & know that there are hands that continue to reach out to me genuinely, without judgment for which am grateful. And the invisible hands that continues to pick me up despite all the crazy difficult conversations we have.
Being strong was not an option then and is not now either. I hope & believe that I preserve ......because this shit will take time. There is no chemo for depression.
I heard the Whispers of my tears ….”you will smile”
January 2023