33. The Door to 2023
Ok we celebrated to welcome 2023, treated it like royal; we wore the ‘right’ dress, cooked up the ‘right’ dishes, & hung out with the ‘right’ people at the ‘right’ place. I leave it you to define right. Danced, drank, laughed loud, talked loud & some had the privilege to get drunk; some happy drunk telling you several times how much they like you; some drunk miserable to insult others. Ever wonder why people do that in welcoming a new year? Insecure? Miserable? Or perhaps it is a norm?
Then suddenly it is 2023! Fanfare or no fanfare, drunk or not, it is here. It did not wait for anyone to get sober. But damn, Cancer did not leave me! But it was ready for a deal ….
My door to 2023 still is a mystery but I look forward with a sober mind. I am breathing, I will say ‘cancer’ without feeling sorry for myself, get on people’s nerve by smiling too much. I like it to be a mystery because there is no way anyone can tell me how I am going to be or will be this year. So, everyday will be a day with come what may! Not many can relate or actually have the privilege to do so. You have the right to be jealous, for once; I am smiling at my privilege.
I am walking into 2023 knowing that recovery is high on the agenda & perhaps surgery if necessary. It is going to be hard; hard counting every year of remission, equally hard hoping to extend it every year so that I can continue to create havoc, continue to put on my lipstick & annoy people, frighten the shit out of the devil, dance & to find myself. I will say thank you each morning. It is going to be equally hard for everyone around me to fully understand that it is for real; cancer is not over just because chemo is over, just because radiation is over. Exhaustion with a capital E is something I need to fight hard, while being a samurai, sword fighting through the effects of chemo which can continue for more than a year after or more. No one can predict that. I will have to try to bounce back like a tiny ninja in building me. It is the beginning to a difficult & bumpy road to recovery…like I said, everyday will be a day with come what may!
Am already on Anastrozole (prescribed for 7 years), with all the capacity to take me down the road to dip, but being aware of it will help even though it takes a whole load of energy to consciously fight it & all the effects that comes along with it.
Someone used a new word “preserve”. New for this journey. Hope to have many more new things on this journey but without great expectations. My head & heart is excited in some ways. Bought a few more shades of lipsticks because I know for sure I am going to need them.
I still value my support group, & hopefully they continue to dance with me on this journey & still find me crazy. My personal conversation with my almighty will continue in the manner I have always done - have a plain conversation.
Cancer is still not a bitch but I am if I need be…..
I heard the Whispers of 2023 ….”Que sera sera”
January 2023