32. Oh My 2022

I don’t know what else I should look back in 2022 but cancer. Was I strong? I do not want to self pat myself & say how strong I have been. Because I do not know if I was strong or just was strong because everyone was saying it all the time during my journey, so much so that I convinced myself that I am. Being strong was the only option.

But one thing for sure, how it looked impossible to get to the end of 2022 when I was diagnosed at the opening chapter of 2022, not just breast cancer but it metastasised. It seemed so far away, impossible to get through the massive journey, clinging onto massive denial, massive struggle, massive anger, massive dipping, massive confusion, massive fear, massive pain, massive dissapointment. Yes, they all came in whispers, invisible to others.

But lined with humour, mental flirtation, dance, long hugs, the love & understanding of my support group who never left me on this journey (you know who you are) & the people who jumped onto the wagon along the journey, I am now at the end of 2022 with disbelief that I have done it all. It was indeed a painful & crazy journey. Oh not forgetting the countless number of lipsticks of different shades that brightened up my face along the way. I became an expert to have a meticulous lip, for sure.

A very good friend said “you fought the toughest fight with the biggest smile” which got me thinking how I much I have smiled in 2022. Nope, no muscle pain but it became like a hand in a glove with the lipstick. It became a signature. To some I didn’t look sick, but there were many stops in my journey for people to jump off.

As I close the door to 2022, I close it softly; softly because it made me who I am right now; softly because I do not wish to wake up the splashes of pain to spill onto the corridors of 2023; softly because I have cried silently; softly because I gently want to put cancer to sleep for as long as possible.

Thank you for holding my hand without judgment, for crying with me, for screaming with me, for swearing with me, for laughing with me, for just being there, for reading all my thoughts here. I know with your support I will smile through 2023….again.

I am also grateful for all the cool personal conversation with God & will continue to make it difficult to handle me. That’s why God is there, right?

God bless everyone in my life, including those who appeared in my mental flirtation.

I heard the Whispers of 2022 ….”you made it”

December 2022