31. Self Awareness

Every morning, when I do my make-up, I consciously beginning to notice the changes the mirror is reflecting. Silver crowning glory slowly spreading its stubs on my once shining bald head. Not just silver but also some dark shades; my sister calls it salt & pepper. It is changing my profile. Yet another me that I now must learn to adjust; to adapt; to accept; to love. Should I wear the wigs that I tried at the hospital saloon, while on chemo? I do look happy with it, no?

Have been an advocate to go bald, no scarves, no wig - a red lip stick will do. But I wasn’t prepared for the changes it will take place, once chemo & radiation dies down; the poison goes out of the body. I am clinging on to the by-now-stylish-head everyone professed their delight in. Was going to to keep it that way. It is like going to the hair saloon, paying an awful lot of money, & coming out looking just the same! Ever wondered why we women do that? And when no one notices that you had actually gone to the saloon, you wonder why. That’s because, we are comfortable with the way we look; we’ve received complements; the mirror reflects sassy, classy & your soul says you look gorgeous & we are convinced! A little touch of colour here & there & a little snip here & there. Moi aussi! Broad day light robbery, huh! I don’t know if I am going to use a wig or just swing along with my salt & pepper.

After the 2nd phase of chemo which made me look like a drug addict going cold turkey, any remote possible hair on my body disappeared, which included my eye brow & lashes. Not that I had such long model lashes but still had something. I have been methiculously drawing my eyes & brows since then; have become an expert now. God no false eye lashes; it felt like a bird blocking my views! Some days I look at myself in the mirror & tell myself, gosh look at those dark eye make-up, but I shrug my shoulders. Then again, it is a trend to get rid of your perfectly normal eye brows & create the eye brow you want; the one you think look good on you because an actress looked good with it. Hmm… so how would you know I have breast cancer?

I look at my nails, without glasses, & they look nice; I smile & say, that’s a new trend, light shade of pinkish brown with different shade of brown getting darker as it went down to the tip. I won’t paint my nails; I need to see how the effect is wearing off. So I will not have my blood red coloured nails until then & brush it off with my tiny bling bling on my tiny fingers. Not many are aware of this (nails being affected by treatment), so how would they know I have breast cancer?

I was nursing the effects of radiation & I looked at myself in the mirror; not just glance but a deep look. I saw the obvious scars of the radiation, the butchering of cancer. My body looked different, anyone with a sane mind could see that, without clothes on. But don’t we all look different? Don’t we strive to do that, to be an individual? Yes, my body looks different. With clothings on, my body looks good, so I can still continue to wear those high heels & kick loose with my sway, right? How would you know I have breast cancer?

I would have loved to keep my breast (& lymph nodes) but they were going to kill me. To feel, & see them. No one has come up with a proper ‘breast cancer bra’ that I can vouch for. Spent a fortune getting all kinds on Amazon, shops etc. They just don’t fit. Period. If you have perfectly normal breast or hanging breast, please do what ever you want with them but don’t use the words “at least you will get a new firm ones”. It is not a silver lining. Breast cancer is not by choice - we would give anything to have our normal breast whether it is hanging or not, small or big, crammed inside the bra cups held by wire underneath. Right now it is flat on one side. But I will not have a sticker on my dress saying it is, would I? Winter has its plus side, sweaters & scarves are life savers. How would they know I have breast cancer?

Maybe I have become more aware of my body changes now that I am on hormone therapy tablets. No more butchering but Cancer consumes your life, no matter what stage you are in. It is the mental health, learning to evolve with the changes, heavy emotions, which will always have a string attached to cancer. I’ll whisper more about it later ….

It is not over yet but how would you know? Need to take that with God in our personal chat. We’re cool.

Thanks for loving me the way I am.

I heard the Whispers of self awareness ….”please accept”

December 2022