28. Welcome to Radiation
Everyone has heard of radiation & connects it to cancer. I did hear about it too, long before cancer chose me. I had no idea how it worked but somehow knew it had to do with cancer, not just breast cancer. Now, I am in a position to know first hand what it is all about & how it works. See how reality fixes this scenario?
It was my turn to have a go at it, feel it, & imagine the radiation killing the aliens lurking around my once-a -upon-time breast, my lymph nodes. Like in a science fiction movie. Me ready now.
Before you start these sessions, you have to visit this beautiful, calm, clean place, almost like a scene from a Star Wars movie with all sorts of huge machines, people sitting behind monitors to monitor you. To prepare you. This was going to be ‘home’ for the next few weeks. As I walked down the corridor with the nurse, I just smiled & nodded to all the things that she said. Was I nervous? No, actually I was curious, felt all so cared for by the whole process. No need for anyone to hold my hand. It was going to be like a walk in the park I’ve been told, so I imagined that as I walked down the corridor to this place of ‘heaven’ where it is going to zap away the alien!
They were going to measure, measure, & measure; mark how much space my tiny body took on the platform of the linear acceleration device which is used for radiation, where the under the knee ‘box’ would be placed (kind of immobilisation & comfort device), which device would fit to hold my arms above my head, with laser lights all the time crossing my body. I was now in that position. I turned to see if Luke Skywalker would walk in to give more instructions but nope. It was one of the persons behind the monitor in the adjacent room who walked up to adjust the radiation mould that they were creating along the line of removed breast. Wait for it. Then they made marking on my body (small lines) with a marker pen in line with the laser that was waiting to be acknowledged. They will be my close friends until the whole radiation is over.
I closed my eyes, only heard voices discussing some medical technical terms over me, across me, around me. I felt violated, had no power over my upper body which lay naked for everyone to measure, move, mark, adjust the tapes. I felt empty, if you know what I mean. But it was all for a good cause, I told myself, tears dwelling in my eyes, fighting so hard not to let the tears flow down my side. I closed my eyes tighter and opened it to blink away the tears. They were very kind & I guess used to this kind of drama from patients. No one told me not to cry as though I should do so if I wanted to & I was thankful for that. I am pretty sure many a women have cried on this machine.
They told me how the procedure would be the next time; the markings etc was to make it go smoothly & without any delay. It will be shorter time spent, they assured me. Only thing to remember was to be stay absolute still during radiation - pray that you don’t want to rub your nose in the middle of it all! Because I am short compared to a Swede, they had to provide a little stool to be able to climb down from the platform of the machine.
As I put on my clothes, I looked down at my body & actually felt like an obvious cancer patient - you cannot walk away from the marks which will remind that you are going to get radiation done. Well, it didn’t hurt but it dented my emotions. Took a deep breath, smiled & thanked everyone as they wished me all the best for the actual radiation which will start the following week.
They were all so super kind towards me, treated me like I was something so fragile. I guess we need that feeling of kindness. Here’s the comfort zone; they recognise you for what you are going through; no judgment at all. It felt good to walk out into the sunshine, as though they came out just for you, at that particular moment. Somebody above was shining for me. As I walked towards the parked car, I smiled & looked around. No, it was not a scene from a movie, it was just me, another cancer patient getting ready for the walk in the park radiation. I drove home with the music “Ombra man fu” by Handel, loud as though I was driving off into the sunset! Well, that’s me, dreaming away. I am not defeated. Another day gone by.
I heard the Whispers of my tears….”I understand”
September 2022