29. I got “Radiated”
Radiation! I hesitated to write immediately because I just didn’t know how to put into words how I felt the first day of radiation. Was I suppose to feel anything in the first place? Or was my mind expecting to feel something? Something to write about. Something to surprise the skin off my chest!
Naaa! My emotional feeling overpowered the whole process. It was running high. So I decided to wait another day of radiation, another day again, & another. Things were happening but I couldn’t bring my mind around it. I couldn’t put energy to think about it. I was exhausted; pure exhaustion. Mentally & physically. I just let go…
I was in comfort zone. The nurses/care givers were extremely kind & gentle with me. I am short, so when they forget to put out a foot stool for me to climb up onto the radiation bed/device, there is always laughter, with me trying to cling onto the side to climb onto it. Small chats, laughter & then it all starts, with music too, they leave you alone. I always close my eyes during the whole process.
Thoughts do run wild when you are lying there, visualising the radiation killing the alien inside you, just like the movies. Yes, I connect a lot to the movies to make me get away from reality, to find the fun side of it all. Almost to a point of not accepting that this is really happening to me. How did I end up here? Is it really happening to me? I try to shake these thoughts away & think of the movies I could act in or just let myself cry inside. Can’t really say crying in pain but crying knowing that this might be the end of the treatment at the hospital. Good or bad, don’t really know.
When I get home, I sit down to see if I feel any different. I do. The joint between my arm & shoulder began to hurt after the 3rd day. The pain was cruciating as it was eating inside. No amount of massage would help; it was deep inside. Slowly the strength was disappearing; I had to use my left hand to hold my right arm whenever I had to use it. I was told it was normal. Like every other side effects that I had during all the phases of treatment, I was told it will go away. But you become deaf to such remarks when you are in pain, right? Side effects & me are very thick & close buddies in this journey. Movement is crucial; exercise is crucial but not weight lifting though.
The part where the radiation was targeted started to become dark brownish red. Cortisone cream was given to apply on it, once a week in the first week & then regularly the following weeks. Another beauty routine added. Some days I felt like there was a metal plate just where the breast was removed. It was hard & sticking sensation would come & go which made me squeak sometime. Cold pads were given but for me, it simply didn’t work especially under the arms.
I realised I hunched a little unconsciously; as though I wanted to protect that area. I passed by the mirror in the hall & saw that. No, no, no. I saw a very tired, hunched lady, only thing missing was a walking stick! There were no camera crew around, so definitely not acting. That’s not you Lalitha, I spoked out loud! I tried to sit up straight, walk up right whenever I became conscious of it.
I was tired almost every day; sometimes so exhausted that it deprived me of my sleep. Early to bed meant by midnight if I am lucky. The arm hurt if you accidentally slept on it, so when you wake up in the middle of the night to change position, it is a night mare moving your arm. I made noises (swear) & sometimes wonder if the neighbours could hear me & mistake it for something else!
My sister Prema & my childhood friend Devi came from Malaysia to take care of me during radiation. We had fun laughing every night, over our younger days, the mischievous things we did & of course cooking meals that I missed. Appetite was slowly coming back though the taste buds still refused to give in. They still wanted to play hide & sick. Most probably they didn’t want me to over eat at night because they slip away from my tongue late evenings! But I was well fed & ever grateful for their visit.
The radiation itself was something I looked forward to because I looked forward to meeting people who understood me; understood what I am going through; I could just be me & let the pain be seen. But the burden of having to go every day was not fun. It was like going to school & you long for the week-end, because you are free from hospital visits. When I went in for the last one (15th day), I was somehow a little sad; I no longer will have the comfort zone; I will not hear them asking me how I was feeling before & after radiation. The radiation umbilical cord was cut.
But I was my colourful self whenever I went, even though it was just a short visit every time. Nope, my lipstick still comes out for every visit, with my sun glasses on my bald head when I step inside the building & swing myself to the reception. Yup, that’s how I announced my arrival & they just had to live with it….after all I was radiating, radiating with sunshine & smiles.
I heard the Whispers of radiation….”I will be gentle”
October 2022