27. Journey’s ‘Titbits’
Have you ever been in a situation where everything seems to flow smoothly? Where your sadness cannot squeeze into your happy mood? Where you breath without sighing with pain, laugh without breaking your voice, smile without cracking your cheeks, eyes without traces of sadness, though they are always overflowing with tears which is actually the effects of chemo! Damn!
Then you remember people saying when everything is too good, something bad will happen any time. My mind plays that game now & then; you know something or someone will come by & smash that peaceful atmosphere like thunder would on a beautiful sky scene. Often is someone, because ‘something’ is most of the time created by someone. Unless lightning strikes you down; a snake comes swirling to bite you as you step out of the house in the middle of town; the bus floor gives way as you climb onto it. Natural disasters don’t cause so much emotional pain as man-made hurtful disasters. What are chances of you thinking constantly of being knocked off by natural disasters while you are happy? Zero!
I’m free of cortisones, morphines, insulin for a couple of weeks now. I wish I can say free of cancer but that would be wishful thinking. Nevertheless, feeling good is glorious, & I have to pause to look around, look in the mirror, take deep breaths & absorb moments like this. That’s what this journey is all about - enjoy the moments. My people who calls, notice the difference in my voice (though I am not aware or even think of it). They say I sound so cheerful, chatty & laughing loud. Maybe it is the tons of coco cola that I drink! I don’t want to think of my next treatment, the effects of it nor the pain it will cause me. I am at bliss for now, I want to keep this for now, I want the moment to wrap around me like a hug. I wish sometimes, someone is hugging me real tight even in my happy moments because just then unwanted messages or calls or actions will surface. Need to work on this hug in my mental get-away.
I sometimes feel there is a camera in my house. No, no, I can’t have a happy moment, it bothers them I think. To mention a few. I get messages, nothing near empathy but always full of accusations, blaming me when things go wrong with the sender. Mental & physical exhaustion. I get sweet calls from people with wisdom, trying to educate me on the relationship between cancer & lessons in life cancer brings. No I don’t see it & don’t want to see it, thank you. I could go on but not worth writing about it. It is good enough that lurking mental dips are known to come after chemo is over, & they do come just when you think everything is going good. Out of the blues it hits you, a word can trigger it, an action can trigger it, a voice can trigger it. The mind is fragile. Then I get reminded to buckle up, ignore the messages & calls, swear at my mind aloud. I must learn to let these thoughts choke each other, & let it die.
Women go through a lot. When we are on the period, we become very sensitive & have mood swings. No further discussion on this. Period. Likewise, cancer treatment makes you sensitive & fragile, sometimes to a point of depression. So any insensitive messages or calls or actions from anyone will trigger a yo-yo battle with my emotions. Having cancer itself is a non-stop thinking mechanism for the brain. I am glad my chemo sessions are over. I realise how far I have come with my treatment. I couldn’t see it, I couldn’t feel it, until good people point them out to me. The journey is indeed long but I can smile through the pain & trashed mind & body, at every completed phase of treatment. It’s moments like this that brings a rush of pure warmth to my soul.
Not all bumps are miserable. Whenever I pass by this barber stand in the mall, the highly trained barbers just love to look at me, not really me but my bald head. The corners of my eyes does it duty & captures this. You don’t have to have cancer to utilise this resource! The last phase of chemo removed every bit of hair on my body, so my head shines as in glory halleluljah. Honestly, how else can I say it? Did I enjoy that? In some ways, a smile always sweeps across my face when I pass them. A selfie next time perhaps. I am indeed different. Sorry, no one stares at a bald man though in the same manner. Ever wonder why?
Have you ever stopped your car at the red lights & suddenly turn to see the driver in the car beside you is actually looking at you? With music blasting loud, my bald head nodding in rhythm to Tina Turner’s “The Best”, with a huge sun glasses on, I must be a picture of amusement for some. Or perhaps a picture of fun. Who knows, I don’t care to analyse it. I usually smile & nod my head. Guess what, they do nod as well. I am talking about male drivers here. As I drive away, my smile last longer than usual. I forget anything bad at that moment - the lousy phone calls & messages, the irritation with myself, hating the mirror for not hiding that little spot on your face. Call it flirtation or whatever you want but I welcome this bump on this journey. Btw, you don’t need to have cancer to experience this. Lifting moments!
After so many years, actually went for a huge public event together with my daughter. I was conscious that my bald head would attract many eyes but it was worth it. Because of my daughter, one of my dreams came true. I forgot cancer for a moment there, while watching the magical performance of Michael Faltley’s Lord of the Dance. All the negative feelings danced away. It was worth going against “taking a health risk being in such a crowded place”. A magical moment in my journey.
I am privileged to have two wonderful grandchildren, but still the “glamma” no matter what. They are babies, & in my eyes, they have no agenda, no ill feelings, nothing whatsoever when they come to me. It is just pure love & curiosity. I believe they actually build an uncomplicated relationship in their tiny ways which I sometimes think we adults can observe & learn. They decide whether they want to engage in you for the moment or not. They turn their face away clinging onto their parents if they are not in a mood. You cannot force them & they are not bothered. That’s power, baby! I like that. Imagine someone you don’t want to meet at that moment, walking towards you & you just turn your head away clinging onto to whatever is around you, the lamp post, a dustbin, your shopping trolley or even a stranger. Am going to call it “baby attitude”. I wonder if I could develop this attitude?
Being on my own for such a long time has made me always find a solution. I want to think that problems come with a solution stuck deep down inside the problems. Sometimes it hurts that I allow myself to go through the painful bumps but there is no escape & that is c’est la vie. Somehow I feel warm inside after a while as though someone has taken it off my heart. Cancer hurts too. But cancer doesn’t come with solutions that I can dig inside. Deep down it is just shit. I am learning to allow myself to feel the hurt of Cancer. It is part of my c’est la vie I keep telling myself. Not by choice. I do whatever I have to do when it hurts. It gives me strength once I have grieved. Sometimes I can feel empty inside. Sometimes I feel warm again. An invisible arm comes to the rescue with an invisible hug.
I am thankful I have my strong loving support group (you know who you are) & all the invisible support I am privileged to have. With you holding my hands, the bumps become bearable & amusingly enjoyable…& I continue to be that crazy person. Thank you for listening.
P.s. After taking the above picture, I realised that I actually look like the statue of the monk in the same picture. Have a laugh, it’s okay. It’s on me.
I heard the Whispers of the bumps….”you won’t fall”
September 2022