26. Hidden Emotions
Cancer is emotionally a lonely roller coaster journey. It consumes your very presence, the air that you breath, your thoughts even when you are asleep. It meddles with my mental flirtation, damn it. Am half way through with my treatment but have overwhelming feelings, denials, thinking of all those who stuck with me & those who got tired of hearing my shit. I don’t want to misunderstand cancer.
I know I am moving forward but I don’t see it, don’t feel it because I am watching everybody else move forward so fast. Mine feels slow. My head says I am not special, so I have cancer, get over it with all the help you are getting, lucky you! I sometimes swear at my head. My head is lucky to be attached to my body.
I want my support group to be there for me which they do immensely but at the same time I want to be alone, burry in the rabbit hole in Alice in Wonderland at times. Not alone but still not feel lonely emotionally. These emotions stop right inside your throat, just before you can speak. It does not come out when I am with people who love & support me. I sometimes shed silent tears, the pain is in the heart, in the throat, but I don’t want to feel sorry for myself at the same time. I guess I want my support group to work the way it is working now, without me having to add more shit on their shoulders. I love the way they care for me in their own ways, it out weighs the need to burden any more.
People say that so many are going through the same thing but I am an individual, I understand many are going through this but my pain is my pain. Sometimes you don’t want to hear people say “everything’s going to be OK” because your heart has this constant fear that it may be otherwise. At the same time, my soul wants me to just believe that it’s going to be ok. They are not lying but really trying to make me feel that I am doing great. In my day dreaming, I am doing great, otherwise how am going to dance with all those great people, go places with them, recreate all those scenes which cannot take place if I am not ok.
I feel naked when people unconsciously stare at me, the bald head attracts that behaviour. When I get eye contact, I usually smile back. I wait for that. Some would smile back, some would quickly turn away. They are not rude but just not able to grasp the idea of seeing a bald headed person, smiling for no reason. But then again, some do come up & give me compliments. They say I look great. It is an emotional cost because you continue to project that image. I want to look great. I intentionally make myself look great. You see, with cancer I have learnt to reinvent the words like happy, smile, hug, laugh, jump, move, hand gestures. The actions are all huge, loud, hard, strong. On purpose. I swing my words, I live the words, if you know what I mean. I feel good doing just that. Up for the Oscars’ nomination?
I try very hard to take in the moment, not the whole journey. My mind plays tricks even though it has chemo brain. Powerful sometimes. I laugh at my own confusions. I am supposed to live for the moment & enjoy all the fantasies being built in my mental get-away. Enjoy every moment when each treatment is over, when the side effects fade away, be able to eat a whole burger without feeling like sand in my mouth, feeling comfortable just curled up in the sofa doing nothing, even if it is only for a moment. However, unconsciously, I think so far ahead. Doubts also seems to stand in the line of emotions who wants to be my best friend. Fear of reoccurrence, how long will they prolong my life, will I ever be able to rid of the word cancer? It is like a stigma which is never going to leave you. It is going to be my best enemy. Maybe I should become best friends with cancer. They say keep your enemy closer. Then I find myself talking to myself, telling me to go wash my head in the cold shower to remain in the present. Not in the past & not in the future. Just in the moment, now. Dare I dream epic things that I had planned before cancer came to hug me & refused to let go?
My private conversation with God is getting braver, bolder. I still refuse to ask for anything because I am afraid if it does not happen, I will need to accuse God for not giving just that. You see memes & inspirational coaches & gurus saying you cannot ask God for the impossible. What is the impossible? Who gets to decide what to ask & what not to ask? I do argue with God because I know I will not be judged, criticised for arguing the impossible. Plus who gets to tell God how to love a crazy me? If a priest were to hear our conversation, I’d probably be accused of committing a religious crime. But I intend to continue this because I am me.
I have met phenomenal hearts of amazing people, & I smile often, hug harder, laugh louder, sing louder, dance freely. It can be annoying, I know. Sometimes I want to believe that thinking negatively is brave because it may mean I am processing to accept whatever is coming my way, good or bad. Plenty of moments to take in. Good or bad, happy or lined with silent tears, negative or positive thinking, all these moments build the journey. I am grateful for all the hands of my support group, holding me during all these moments, on this journey.
I must learn to let go the word ‘normal’ because I don’t really know what constitute ‘normal’ anymore.
I heard the Whispers of struggles….”you are not weak”
August 2022