25. Being Sick

The definition of being sick is seamless. No boundaries. It is allowed to spill over your vocabulary. Forget the damn dictionary which only gives its version of it. There is no right or wrong. How you describe being sick is your own description & need not be justified by the unemotional dictionary. Nor by any human being. Acceptance is not necessary. I am taking a '“take it or leave it” attitude. My sickness is mine & mine alone, just like yours is yours. Please don’t normalise sickness because of what you have been taught to accept.

This journey of mine, like for many out there, has also been a journey of trying to “demystify” many norms attached to being sick. Cancer sick if there is such a term, if not, here it is. I’m using it. In my cancer world, being sick can be feeling nauseated, like someone being so idiotic to you, vomiting your lungs out, sounding like the Hulk, being extreme tired, like having a constant hang-over, or difficult bowel movement depicting like giving birth. Or simply pain. Not all in one day. The list is long but need I justify? Am I not allowed to defy all the shitty over-whelming feelings that sneak in with such power, such evilness? Must I moan & groan, walk into the room & fall down dramatically, half my body over the sofa while the other half clinging onto the arm of the sofa, or beg for “tender loving care” because I am not allowed to walk into the kitchen to get a glass of juice? Must I be bedridden just because I am cancer sick?

First of all, there are so many kinds of cancer. Secondly, there are so many types of breast cancer. Then you have different stages of cancer. You cannot generalise. Sometimes it is not easy to describe what we are going through which may be construed as being indifferent or not wanting to share. How can I share if I don’t know what to say?

Just because I am able to drive, it doesn’t mean cancer is over & I am ‘okay, now that chemo is over’ myth/gossip blooms. Let me get on the grand prix to crash this myth. It means I am having a good day. It means I so badly want to get out. It means ‘freedom’ on another level. It means I’m simply feeling great. It means I am not tied to my home.

It’s a nice thought to have a butler running at your call. Sometimes I do dream of this scenario, to be honest. Dream baby dream, I can hear Bruce Springsteen singing. I get to hear that I must fight this, be strong, so I do get up, half draging my feet if I am feeling extremely exhausted, to get that damn cold drink, walk back to the sofa, place the drink on the table, & practically fall any way possible, face down & don’t move for a second. That feeling at that particular moment is so satisfying. That’s when the phone will ring, so I must move my face away from the sofa, get into a talking position. After a while I find myself chatting & laughing away. I did feel shitty but for that little or long moment, who ever gave me their time, made me forget my condition, & I fought to do just that. It worked.

She is active on IG, always see photos, so she cannot be sick! Another myth/gossip which needs to be killed with sushi knife. Should I put photos of a toasted bread with some marmalade to justify that I am sick? I love cooking. I do have a daughters who love food. One of them is my sous chef. It gives me joy when I ‘create’ a dish, photo worthy of IG. It gives me joy to see people enjoying my creation. And I fight to do just that. I pull out clothes out of my closet, put on a high heeled shoes in the middle of the day, even if it is for a moment, to dance or take a photo. I wear sarees & post pictures of it on IG. I get compliments, I feel good, I feel alive, I can dream away the big C. My IG family is a great source of encouragement. Some may tire of me (must be boring hearing the same old shit, right?) & unfollow me but it doesn’t block my joy to continue being crazy. Am I still sick? Maybe but I don’t have to look the part, do I? Cancer cannot define me. It works.

I always mental flirted & have every intention to continue to do so. Does that mean I am not sick? Mentally I fight the most, because it is my biggest boost to stand up against anything to do with the word cancer. So, call me crazy, I still dance, flirt, create special scenarios in my mind, taking the Alice in Wonderland route sometimes & go away mentally. I like it but cancer doesn’t. A little battle won. It works.

Cancer doesn’t disappear just because I am silent, I don’t call for help, I didn’t cry talking to you, I didn’t fall in or out of love or I dressed up & put on make up every morning, danced around my kitchen, did a painting or simply yelled out some swear words unnecessarily. It means I am not letting cancer beat the shit out of me if I can help it.

It is bad enough waking everyday knowing I have cancer. I kick ass to feel good because I want to feel good. There are days I am not able to do that. I am grateful for all those who still shake their heads at my craziness & join the ride without any judgment. I’m unapologetic for my craziness but will apologies if my actions are sometimes construed wrongly - no ill intended. Nicest part of it all is that the unseen presence of the Almighty is always right beside me doing my crazy things. He doesn’t judge because he likes what I am doing to help myself.

I heard the Whispers of my sickness ….”you are a fighter”

August 2022

Previous
Previous

26. Hidden Emotions

Next
Next

24. Reflections - End of Chemo