24. Reflections - End of Chemo
I have seen the words “chemo brain” being used by cancer patients, warriors, fighters, survivors or all the names they go by. You are bigger than all these names by the way. Scientifically it is a kind of chemo fog, cancer related cognitive dysfunction & doesn’t disappear immediately after completing chemotherapy. To break it down it challenges the emotional & mental health. They come in waves, intense.
On Wednesday was my last chemo, completing my phase 2 of my treatment which means hell will break loose the coming days, but I am going to be for-the-moment-me, whatever role I play on each day. I reflected over the 2 phases of chemo treatment & wanted to take out my feelings inside me which is not visible, plus I don’t show. Externally chemo has robbed me of my hair, eye brows & lashes etc but has given an un-removal nail polish, brown black. Saving from not going to the nail parlour! Never done a self portrait & never crossed my mind to do one either. But cancer gave me the idea to do so. Tears, head ragging with millions of confusions & dislikes, impatience & frustrations, anxieties & denials, glimmers of hopes & despairs but still able to smile, with lips painted in red. If I am to go down, I’m going down in style because this is me!
Chemo-rage! This was more obvious with the second phase & a powerful take over of my brain indeed. It bulldozes everything. So you either avoid human nature or bottle up & let the volcano erupt one day on the wrong person, or go kill the rose plants by pulling them out instead of the weeds roaring like a hulk! Me, I let the weeds kill my plants instead & comforted myself saying am helping the bees! Or simply smiled until my cheeks hurt, danced till my feet acted as though it has two left feet, even in my mental dancing, & loose mental flirtation all at the same time. And sweared out loud at every positive memes that life coaches put out on social media. I was told that I had the right to curse & swear, so took full “Cancer privilege” & liberty to do so & will continue to do so. No apologies. This is me.
But hey, while am still being unapologetic about who I am now, Cancer made me see deeply so many things related to my surrounding; made me see people from all walks of life in a different light, see things differently, hug tightly, increased me-time & most of all still feel the love & support from those who truly continued to stick on this journey. It means you have accepted the upside down me as I am. To all those who use Karma comments, I am that colourful, crazy bitch who thanked Karma for giving me the chance to ditch the breast before it tried to kill me instantly, & loved by the rest of the decent world. Karma is not a bitch in the Cancer world, I am. This is me.
Have 2 more phases to go & like my friend said, that will be like a walk in the park compared to chemo. I am going to squeeze that into the back of my brain if I can find some space among the damn crowded thoughts & create that park. Haven’t decided if it is going to be Central Park or a park with cherry blossom in Japan or my garden with half dead flower plants all choking with weeds around them. Who knows I might go out in the middle of the night & actually pull the weeds in my garden, all dressed in a colourful flowing saree, red lip stick & sun glasses on! Hmm wonder if a pic of this is Instagram worthy? This is me!
I am half way there. A celebration indeed. Gave myself a pat without saying “you are brave & strong”. I had no choice but to damn well go through it. Nothing brave about it & don’t want to be either. My strength comes from the love of my super tight support group while I save my strength for my mental “go aways”. In the mean time, to quote my sister “Tis Too Shall Pass” as I kiss good bye to chemo. The chemo division said they didn’t want to see me ever again. Funny how positive this negative comment sounded.
Love to all no matter what stages of life you are in. Excuse me while I go & swear loud at my freaking chemo effects & try to get back my right feet back to dance again! And I will have that private conversation with God after that. This is me!
I heard the Whispers of my soul ….”be you”
August 2022