19. What Defines Me?
It has been months since I shaved my head. Have I got used to it? It is not a matter of getting used to it; it is more of whether I was letting it define me. My head has attracted attention, no doubt, some flattering, some always saying “I still have some hair” referring to the tiny spikes of hair which comes off when you pull them. The question of what suits the outfit I wear; bald as it is or tie a scarf, wear a hat, or a cap. Who or what was I pleasing? Why am I adapting to my surrounding and not loving myself, with or without hair?
Once I got into the car & drove down the lane only to turn back because I forgot my cap; I usually wear one when I am doing my grocery or shopping. Cursing myself for forgetting, I got out of the car, & went back in the house, got my white cap. As I drove towards the supermarket, I realised how silly I am. You could tell that I was bald despite the cap but of course no one is going to point that out to me. It wasn’t a case of a bad hair day. So why was I so conscious about it? I had brought it upon me; I was letting it define me; without hair, I was not me! Not that I had hair like the contestants of a beauty pageant - always with big curls, wavy and shoulder length. I wonder what beauty pageant would look like if all the contestants were bald? Ok I leave it here; it is another ball game to play….
Celebrating my birthday has always been a pain! It either hurts me or haunts me. My mum threw one great party because she “wanted” to. She had to. It was indeed the only great one I had - it was everything you would wish for, bless her for giving me one to last my life time. Of late Natasha has been the one making me special every year which is irreplaceable - waking me up with a song, breakfast in bed & always 3 different gifts. Unfortunately this year, she had to be away. Anyway, woke up just like any other day but the phone got heated up - thank you all for the kind wishes xoxox.
A friend came by with no material gift. I was going to dress up, make a mess of the wardrobe, be a model & have fun. What was I going to loose? When was the last time I really got dressed up? It was at this moment I got the doubt in my head about my hair. I have taken pictures of myself wearing different styles of scarves which by now I have mastered & have felt proud of it. We were going to dress up in sarees; head gears did not go well with it.
It was only then I looked at myself in the mirror & said, what was going to define myself; not my hair, not my attire, not my surrounding, & certainly not my cancer. A friend told me long time ago, cancer does not define me, only I do. At that time, nothing was comforting, especially when I have just shaved & couldn’t see myself in the mirror for some time. It wasn’t me looking back at me. I felt naked; I felt violated; I felt deprived; I felt taken over by this alien called Cancer. And I did love my hair, like it or not. Wouldn’t you? My baldness always reminded me I was sick. It took me time to accept my baldness but it didn’t mean I accepted that it was me. I smiled a lot, & people started to say positive things about the new me. You see, they meant it; they were genuine. I had so much of flattering complements which I just smiled away. I tried to recall all the nice things they said to me; some even said that I should keep this “hair style” because it show cased my features. Yes I cried so much that we had to wait a while before make-up could be put on me. As I looked into the mirror, I saw myself; I didn’t see a Cancer stricken bald headed person who needed to hide behind something. It wasn’t a new me, but just me “show casing what I have hidden before”. Nope, still wouldn’t have won a beauty pageant…
I had so much fun on that day, apart from having to clean up the mess, that I forgot I had cancer. It just flew away for a while. No, I was no model material but then again, what is model material? What more, I didn’t want to use any breast prosthesis - I was going to be just me. Thank you for the wonderful day, friend.
There will always be times when I will be reminded in some ways, that cancer has robbed some of my physical parts but I think I will be strong enough to let it go every time it hits me; plus I have all of you guys to make me feel I have not lost anything. It is bearable because it is not heavy anymore; you are carrying it for me. And so is the invisible hand that is always holding my hand, standing right behind me in case I fall.
I heard the Whispers of complements ….”you look great”
June 2022