18. Reflections: 3rd Chemo
I try to be strong; everyone tells you to be strong; you brainwash yourself to be strong. The word STRONG echoes around you, you see it in every message sign off from people who really care. I do that too, to others. But when something beyond your control happens, you crumble despite your fight against it. I didn’t have the strength to be strong. Somehow people around you crumble too but on a different platform, on a different level, unknowingly. So how do you define strong then?
Someone said by the 3rd chemo you will be okay because your body will get use to it. Hell no! My body wants to be in a foetus position, to hug myself in defence against it. I dread it, my body dreads it, my soul dreads it. It gets worse & you don’t get used to it. The effects become more obvious & also to a higher degree. Something ‘new’ is always on the table but you stop describing them. Being strong takes so much of my strength that it doesn’t give me some to justify any discussion around this. You just get on with it; you can either hide behind a smile or laughter but you have to go through hell…
For me being happy is being strong. By now the hospital recognises me as the most colourful patient, walking in as though all dressed up, ready & happy to fight the alien. My 3rd chemo (double drip bags) went ok but felt exhausted at the end. The male nurse was encouraging as usual, complementing me on how well I am handling all the chemo so far. Of course he gets a big smile from me!
So there I go minding my own business & let chemo effects thrash me, & guess what, if chemo couldn’t get at me, the effects of the medicine decided to take a hit at me, jealous of seeing me so strong. A day after chemo, I had sudden difficulties in breathing & ended up in the emergency, exactly a week before my birthday. The hero of the day was my little princess; she made sure my bags were ready, even brought me a glass of water. The doctor kept coming back & forth with all the various test results. I somehow was numb because I left all the worrying in everyone else’s hands. I went in alone. I am rock solid, right? But on this day, I felt weak. Especially when the doctors told me that if I didn’t come in on time, it would have been fatal. In that vulnerable moment I needed comfort. The doctor & the nurses were excellent in making me feel cared for in a special way. But hey, I had the company of a dear friend far away, via a chat platform the whole night. Plus the unseen embrace of someone great that ‘held me’ & stayed with me. It wasn’t my time to go.
I came back home fit & fine except for cancer. Apparently it was the combination of medicines which my body reacted. So many thoughts ran through my mind. Why do we create a bucket list when we assume we have reached the end? How do you define the end? Why not a life list while we still can? When I received my cancer diagnosis, on my early morning walk, I went down to the lake near my home; it was quiet & peaceful. I went on the frozen lake & jumped! Never have I walked on it, let alone jump. Why? Because what could be worse than cancer & became brave. Didn’t want to waste my courage. Foolish maybe; if the ice was thin, I would have gone down & no one would have seen it. Cancer’s positive side - you become courageous. Until the CT-scan results comes out, the dark thoughts of the worst lingers at the back of my mind. All I can do is to laugh loud, smile big, walk around like someone’s queen, dance, dream. And of course linger on everyone’s thoughts & prayers for which I am grateful for. Powerful!
My youngest sister, left a note on the day she flew back home. It said “You’ve got this! As the saying goes (which I always tell myself) ‘Tis too shall pass’! You’re a strong woman & so much to give and share. Stay true to yourself & keep reaching for the stars” It stands visible in my study & gives me an emotional invisible hope.
And I get messages from people who have “ctrl + alt delete” me because of a divorce; a divorce can remove people from your life intentionally & unintentionally. My emotions were mixed but absolutely didn’t want to add the past to my present. So I acknowledged kindly & left it at that. If I am human, they are human too, that’s what I will hear from God when I have my private conversation. But I am sure God will understand if I had some emotional defence because I AM HUMAN. An emotional human. I leave you to ponder over that.
While lying in hospital, the word that echoed most was to ‘be positive’. You need the strength to be strong to be positive. But the mind can ignore this tangle & concentrate on just being positive. Thank you.
I heard the Whispers of life ….”you have so much to give”
June 2022