17. Grateful
Every time I dress up & put on my make-up & go into Alice in Wonderland scenario, I reflect how it is all a child’s play. Yes, children have this capacity to play make-believe scenes (observe the next time you see children play) without any reason or the need to hide behind & find solace. They get immense joy out of it, full of fun & giggles etc. And here I am, doing exactly that but on a different level, with a need to get away from it all.
I have now started to mentally do it without the need for solace - and the feeling is indescribable. Not easy. I go to bed struggling to sleep but have been helped by the Alice in Wonderland holes. Now I have started to use the child like make-believe & disappear into a world I choose, without any guilt, without looking for solace intentionally, without relating to cancer. No, am not dancing because I do that in the day time….but that doesn't mean mental flirtation is absent, sometimes. I use whoever or whatever scenario I feel for. No, you will never know the list of people…..but am grateful & thank them silently in my heart for their existence & presence in my mind.
The effect of chemo continues to grow. It becomes obvious when it is time to eat. By now not only have I lost my taste buds, also my complete appetite, even drinking. So it is not just cooking up something, I need to look for exciting dishes, so we watch a lot of cooking series, & we would create our version of it. By now, certain drinks are permanently removed from the list - sick of it or taste horrible! Sometimes I just want to curl up on the sofa & don’t eat at all, hoping that my weight stays the same, & have the same energy I have when I am mentally travelling away.
By now I somehow gone back to walk part of the journey, slightly independently. You will notice that some of the friends who had offered their shoulder to lean on will ghost on you. Nothing unusual because no one is obligated. Any remorse on my part? Absolutely not. I have no space in my heart for that. Disappointment? Yes, but only for a while. And you shake away the desire to loose hope on mankind. Why? You still have those die hard friends who have always accepted the crazy me, before cancer. Why? Probably because I am still crazy! Then you have people who dance into my life just when I started this chapter. An invisible support of care, silent warmth, miles away. Incredible people. My heart holds you all warm, whoever you are, wherever you are.
Is it curiosity that brings so many people to you when you are sick, to make you feel helpless, to make you feel needy, to make you feel loved? Or is it some kind of human nature’s duty to call on a sick person & don’t feel guilty, in case the sick person dies on you? Have you or heard people say “thank God I visited her” or “I managed to see her before she died”? I have. I am going to leave it there. We are all actors playing a role on a stage called life. That is why we are called human beings. Bless everyone.
News songs are continuously added to the list all the time. Who said sad songs should be banned when you are down? I am sure life coaches will be shaking their heads. In fact, you relate to it. As though that particular song was written just for you. It is like to have “someone to cry with” without judgment. And then you lift yourself up & dance to a groovy number or fly away with a love song like “At Last” by Etta James, especially if it was dedicated to you from a charming person. Thank you if you are reading this. Cancer cannot steal such wonderful feelings. Unapologetically, I think I am born romantic, from head to toe. So…
But I am still here. Dancing, flirting, smiling, pretending to be a Queen. Natasha has given me the title of Queen of Sheba. Royal. But then again, I am a Nair. And not ready to abdicate, for anyone, especially for Cancer, for now.
I am blessed to have all kinds of people in my life & am grateful for their existence. Love you all.
I heard the Whispers of someone ….” you are in my thoughts”
June 2022