16. Love me : 2nd Chemo
What is the standard look that needs to be projected to say “I have cancer”? Or is there really one? Don’t we have the right to look good? Many times I hear people say I don’t look sick, in person or in the photos I put up. Like I said in the beginning, I will not put up pictures of how cancer is raping me, nor will I let cancer rob what I like to see in the mirror. I don’t have to look sick to be sick.
I have my bad moments. I have my good moments. But they are my own moments. It is difficult to describe them because only I can feel them. There are no suitable words. There are moments I hate myself & there are moments I reach a breaking point. These are my moments & will stay for a long period. If you are with me in person, you might understand, without me uttering any words.
Unapologetically, this is the new me, which the mirror reflects now. I am learning to accept & like what I see. I won’t allow cancer to swallow everything. My lipsticks are out of bounds to big C. I like what I can create around this new me. My little sister Geetha has sowed a seed on the art of tying a scarf & I just love discovering it - so many cultures have so many beautiful ways of wrapping their heads. Pity it took cancer to discover that.
2nd chemo continues to knock me off several times. All those words you hear “you get better with the next one” went flying out of the window. From the first day I felt all so confused & didn’t know why & what was happening. I thought the first one was bad, but this one really took a hard hitting. I felt weak but not by choice. Exhaustion at its highest peak comes in waves. Two drip bags of chemo is indeed heavy.
Loosing taste bud was one. Pity I am not on a mission to loose weight which am not allowed. Believe it or not, you get cravings too & you don’t have to be pregnant! So when the cravings for crabs came, a restaurant came to the rescue. No taste but my imagination helped. I should thank all the Korean series that both my daughter Natasha and I watch. TV dinners are great when you cannot eat - your focus is on the TV. You just have to do whatever it takes to create the ambiance to be able to eat & drink. I would have loads of ice cubes in a tall glass & some coloured juice & pretend I am some where exotic, drinking & writing! I still enjoy cooking but when I get my bad moments it is not fun. Natasha is my sous-chef (a good cook indeed). We discuss at length what I should cook & she would assist & do all the tasting. She is a foodie herself, so no fast food!
The chemo works a lot on your mind too. I would wake up several times thinking I am going to throw up but it is just in my imagination! But hey, apart from all that (and more) I am doing just fine. Mental flirtation and Alice in wonderland get-aways are still in full force.
Getting out of the house is a challenge and a joy at the same time. Someone whom I have not seen or heard for more than a decade, calls me & takes me out for lunch & dinner. As long it was not a rush, eating out worked fine. Spending an evening with your friend & family is so gratifying. Being picked up after a chemo treatment is soulful, especially by someone who knows what you are going through. Things like these leaves a strong sense that you are loved.
I know for sure I need to find ways to keep me going & not let the exhaustion eat me, but I do cave in sometimes; I am only human. Thank goodness I love writing, anything creative when the brain surfaces above the chemo effect. I have so many dances to dance, with so many people …
Just two days before my 2nd chemo, I went in for a CT-scan of my trachea & abdomen. Why, because my cancer is metastatic, which means it has spread its wings. Nothing conclusive, awaiting results, so don’t Google! Nope, am not crying because I am too exhausted with this. My brain is needed elsewhere for now.
Thank you all who continue to rock & roll with me, silently, noisily, kicking ass along the way, near & far. Thank you for the messages, flowers, the food, the visits, the phone calls; your time is equally precious. You know who you are and I hold you close to my heart.
I heard the Whispers of the mirror …. ” you look good”
May 2022