15. 1st Chemo
I no longer want to say I am going to be strong. I can’t because I have no control. It is no longer in my hands. I am just going to “dance through this” my way. I must learn to fly away a lot. Just when these thoughts were going through my mind, a dear childhood friend Anu sends a song “You’re Still God”. It made me cry & after playing on repeat, it became a pick-me-up song.
4th May was my date with my first chemo. Had no idea what to feel like as I walked into the building alone. Putting in the chemo port was a long painful process. A permanent fixture on my left arm for the next 5 months or so. I was smiling as I walked into the room for the chemo & I don’t know why. There was no scene from ER or any TV hospital series. No George Clooney! No sickly looking, sunken eyes on my part. I was all dolled up with my signature red lip stick! 3 drip-bags were hung up & one of them bright orange in colour! Then it started, for 90 mins. I only felt the first drop go sharply in & then nothing. Felt like in the movies, the aliens putting in the poison slowly, asking you to reveal the name of your secret agent boy friend, or something like that!
Before the thought I had no one to hold my hand could take over, I put on my ear phones & dreamt away with someone with the song “One Call Away” by Charlie Puth. But I was knocked off during the taxi ride home. Boy oh boy, talk about fatigue & exhaustion at its peak! I slept all the way.
I was good for the first few days, not realising it was because I was high on cortisone tablets (8 in one go). The first thing I lost out to big C was my taste buds. Me being a foodie, that was hard. But with all that mental training, I could imagine the taste, well at least 5 mouthful & after that it was a matter of stuffing food into your mouth for the sake of it. I have to maintain my weight, right. Small doses of tiredness, fatigue, drowsiness, confusion, occasional hot flush, being impatient (devil’s horns) came in waves without warning. Everything that came out of you was green - the aliens have taken over my body - now it was like in the movies, so I woke up every morning and did my make up, to play the role in the movie. It is hard to describe how you feel; there are no words to describe how the chemo is raping my body! Some times I just give in and sink into the sofa & let go for 20 mins or so. Once the effect is over, I jump up and float around…it’s either you feel good or you don’t feel good. Chemo, after all, are very strong chemicals that wipes out everything, good & bad.
There are times I have doubts as to whether I made the right decision. It is also a torture to my soul. Why did I agree to all these? Every day you get some kind of post or telephone calls to book times for various checks - skin discolouration on my head, an x-ray of my chest, my abdomen, blood test to check white blood cells… it is nerve wrecking. Called my friend Cecilia. We sweared and cried together in the end. One day after my visit to the clinic, I sat in my car & cried - no particular reason, just cried for a good 20 mins & then walked in feeling good. I left the alien in the car!
It is is amazing the real people who actually continue to stand by me, continue to remember me in their prayers, continue to rock the ride with me. You know who you are. I am humbled & appreciative of your presence in my life, near & far.
I heard the Whispers of the God… ” you are with me”
May 2022