20. CT-scan Results
Ever since my breast cancer changed status to metastatic, my mind created many dramatic scenarios, but you wouldn’t know because I always seem to smile away my visible problems, so hiding my invisible problems was not difficult. However, someone said to me, my eyes are the give away because it seems to have some kind of sadness behind it but never surfacing. Beautifully said but I was being me; what is out of my control, I cannot do anything about it, so why speak of it.
After the operation, it was confirmed that breast cancer had spread to my limp nodes, which they had to remove and also one of the aliens decided to run towards my chest but the sharp eyes of my surgeon caught it and burnt it. So CT-scan was in order and the wait was cruciating.
Why is it we always down play the pending result of any thing? When I was asked to revert after my standard mammography for another one, all I heard was they have done that too and it was nothing. Then when I went for the second one, while waiting for the result, they said, it will be good news, that’s why they are taking their time. Then when I got my result which was breast cancer, they said oh they knew so many people who had that & before you know it everything will be over. Then when you are called in to take biopsies several times, they say it is just to know where is it located to remove them. Then when you get a very quick date for the operation, they say, it is to quickly remove it at the early stage. Then you wait for the result of the operation which they only tell you in person but since you are still recovering from the freaking operation, it takes weeks before you can even walk decendently straight, let alone get your flat chest & half limp right arm to the hospital, they say, must be good news because it is taking a long time.
We humans are not made to say as it is. We put on the protective blanket immediately. Did I hear breast cancer is the kindest? Hell no, there is no kind cancer. Cancer is cancer. Breast cancer with all its pink glory.
See the pattern here? I didn’t get the chance to get be prepared for the worst; be prepared for a long journey; be prepared to cancel all plans not just for the next few months but for the whole year & more; be prepared to scream out my lungs; be prepared to hit my head on the wall; be prepared to wet my pillows & wake up with swollen eyes; be prepared to tell people who might have some crush on me that I am going to be a cancer patient for a long time; be prepared to tick off names from the list of potential boy friends. Instead, I made conscious decisions to cut my hair in different stages long before it affected me & when it did not turn out to the stages people had waited for or visualised based on the people they knew who had cancer, it became frustration for all. Nope, time line was not permanent; cancer & my body are not on good terms, it clashed. It will continue to clash. It will continue with unknown outcome at any time.
But it gave me time to create that Alice in Wonderland mentality, mental flirtation, be colourful me….and there were wonderful caring friends/family, near & far. I had time to build strength by myself to face the worst scenario. If I was going to go, gosh, I was going to organise a colourful, sinful, awesome funeral, with music that would put people off, hold my own eulogy (recorded)! Praise the crap out of me & I will never know what anyone thought of it. Now that would be something. It was food for thought …
The news was good in the end. The CT-scan showed no further signs of the tumour in the areas of chest/lungs/throat/trachea/stomach. Bones look good. I look good. My surrounding look good. My energy look good. Now to fight the rest with Phase II of the treatment. I actually put on my high heels/dress and danced when I got home. Bob Marley therapy with “Three little birds”. Every success is a celebration. Prayers & thoughts of wonderful friends/family, near & far. Powerful. The invisible hand holding, lifting me is visible at times. Thank you….
I heard the Whispers of prayers & thoughts….”we’ve got you”
July 2022