12. Joys & Doubts
Sometimes, when “expectations” hit real hard, doubts creep in like a slow sip of poison into your mind. These expectations are voluntarily-given-expectations, not something expected. When you are battling something called Cancer, people come forward saying, “don’t hesitate to ask for help”; “please accept whatever help people give”; “learn to depend on others”. It is difficult for everyone around you to rally round you and it is equally difficult to ask for help because you do not know where to draw the line of selfishness and kindness. Please do not mistake me. I am ever so grateful for all those who are genuinely there for me; no, not to hang onto every second of the day but when you need them the most.
Sometimes it is just not help for yourself personally that you need but also for the many bits and pieces of running a home which you are not able to do so independently. It sucks that my independence is at the mercy of this big C but I am blessed to have two wonderful people (you know who you are) who helped with the runs to the dance school for my daughter without any hesitation.
There are so many ways to distract yourself from what you are going through and be thankful for. Yes, dance and music is always there and believe me, it has taken me away from this helpless situation many times. I’ve met and danced with so many wonderful people from around the world.
I have not seen my deformed body in the mirror and then came a sudden introduction to that when I had to go to the orthopaedic clinic. She made me stand in front of the mirror to show me how the temporary breast prosthesis should be used. It was that moment, I did not recognise the body in the mirror. Was it mine? I pondered for a while, waiting for something nice to come out of my numb brain. No denial that I hated what I saw but then, with a smile, I turned to the nurse and said, “well, who would have thought I would be replacing my breast one day with something like this, it looks better than my previous one”. I could remove it whenever I want to, which not all can do, right? After all, the other one was trying to kill me. I need to find a “boob song” to celebrate this! Finally I have accepted the fact that I have removed my breast but the damn scars need to disappear real soon! And I can still dance, breast or no breast!
Grateful for my sisters (Usha & Mala) who flew in from Kuala Lumpur to support me in this journey - it was full of noisy Nair sisters’ atmosphere which I grew up with. Just like being back at home. Two weeks of sisterhood in the Cancer battle field.
The community in IG is amazing - so many people showing their support and love, it is unbelievable. I am touched by this. Family, in my world, is loving and supporting each other even when it is difficult to do so. It is also not necessarily biological - it includes everyone who are in tune with you, unconditionally. I am blessed to have many and you know who you are and I love you all.
I heard the Whispers of “family” …”we are with you on this journey”
April 2022