13. The Air to Breathe
Have you ever wondered why we take things for granted? No really, we never intentionally take things for granted - it has always been so, right? Then out of no where, someone or some forced situation greets you with a cynical smile and say “don’t take things for granted” Then your doubts clouds you and you give in and say admirably “yes, I cannot take things for granted, especially the air that I breathe” Don’t go further than that!
Yes, you must listen to the doctors and care givers because they are the experts, but please, if your instinct tells you to question them and you have doubt, just take the stand to differ even if it means you end up looking “stupid” in their eyes or just about anyone else. You’ve got cancer, how stupid can you get? New to me, but at the orthopaedic clinic, where they measure to give your temporary breast prosthesis, a size was decided even though I thought it was too big and heavy. Hell no, it is the right size, so after a whole day, decided it was actually killing me; good enough cancer was also trying to kill me. Went back the next day to take that confrontation but in a weak condition, nothing sounded harsh. I kept saying I wanted a smaller one and she kept insisting that it was too small. She couldn’t understand why I wanted a small one - she hesitantly gave in but said I’d come back and say it is too SMALL! I don’t need a huge one to attract attention and I was perfectly satisfied and have not gone back in regret. It does not change the fact that I have cancer.
Every time I am at the hospital, circumstances on my damn cancer changes, Big C is slowly trying to take power one step at a time. When I was told of my treatment plan which has changed drastically, I became numb. Suddenly all plans around this shitty thing fell apart. No longer targeted chemo treatment but for the whole body. Stay calm, I told myself. Cancer had already taken one lymph node and the tumour had grown from 12 to 22 mm by the time they removed it. They removed another lymph node at the same time. They want to make sure it did not spread. I made a decision to not operate again and it was not against the treatment I was going to get. It is going to be heavy; hair will drop very quickly, eye lashes and eye brows too. Your taste buds will go, your appetite will go but do not loose weight. Anything more? Oh yes, you will loose your cool very quickly too. Now, that’s what they are saying but I don’t know how it will feel like, right? I have to go through it before I can cry about it. I may change my mind next week, but for now it is this moment that counts.
No, did not break down when I sat in the taxi home. When I reached home, I told myself that I could still breathe - still an upper hand over big C. I looked into the mirror and saw someone smiling. Yes, at that moment, I just wanted the air that I breathe and to love myself….nothing else would have comforted me. At times, self love is not selfish. Especially when you are alone - you have the right to do so, I would say so. How else am I going to have all the mental flirtation with anyone if I do not do so?
No one was inviting me for a dance right now. It was almost like I needed to dream away to have some “conversation” with someone and indulge in that moment of serenity. Smile away and let Alice in Wonderland take over for a while. And the song on blast is by The Hollies “The Air That I Breathe”
Thank you everyone, including God (need another private conversation) for keeping me hanging in there.
I heard the Whispers of the air…. ” you can still breathe and love yourself”
April 2022