10. The Slow Journey
My body has changed, that is obvious, and the only reminder was the pain in your chest. Something was not right but it is difficult to find the exact words to describe how I feel. It was not flat because of the compressors that was taped to my chest. Mentally that was good. I mentally try to block out what they have done to my body, got ready for the first day for the rest of my life. Yes, I have done a mastectomy!
The house was quiet. I scrolled down my playlist and picked out a list and started off with Electric Light Orchestra’s “Hold on Tight” and stood in the kitchen, as though frozen, waiting for something warm to push me to do something. Took a deep breath and started to sing along and made breakfast. What am supposed to think now? Should I feel the lost? Am I supposed to talk to someone and cry? I was not ready for any of the above. Is there a right or wrong way of handling this? Naaa, I was going to smile and sink in the world of pretence and disappear from everything. I was good.
A few visitors, all received with smiles and positive energy. I looked good, they say. Yes, I did my usual routine of make-up, dress up, feel good with myself. I told myself, am not going to let breast cancer take away “glamour” and the spirit. People who were concerned, were calling on the phone, some gave positive vibes while some gave medical know how’s, which always amuses me. The bottom line, they all cared for me in their own ways.
Of course there are periods of pain, confusion, doubts and whatever that came along with a mastectomy. Sometimes I just put my feet up in the sofa, with music on of course, and closed my eyes and wandered away somewhere with someone (sometimes), which always brought a smile to my face.
No appetite, but ate for the sake of keeping my tummy satisfied. Good friends (Katarina, Jenny, Thanga from so far away) came with food which was much appreciated. Being handicap is the worst feeling that one could have - in my case, it was my right breast and on top of it, some lymph nodes near/under my right armhole was removed and that added to the pain and hinderance of heavy usage of my right hand! That contributed towards being on the edge of taking a dip, wanting to cry and scream silently. I did talk to myself loud to make myself aware of this - I cannot do everything as before! Acceptance girl!
Picture above, getting ready to go into the hospital to remove fluid retention and to check internal bleeding for the first time. I realised, this would be several times. I went in style - cancer cannot take that away.
At times I wondered what my mum would have said to me…. probably something along the line of “go lie down and take a rest”
I heard the Whispers of my mum… ”take a rest”
March 2022