9. Home Again
As I stepped into the house, I realised, I was going to be all alone. Part of me wanted that and part of me wanted to have someone there to welcome me with a cup of warm tea. Somehow, the need to be alone weighed heavily. I did not know how to grieve the loss of part of my body - my breast.
I was discharged the very next day in the afternoon, much to the horror of family (back in Malaysia) & friends. Too early, some said. Who is going to look after you, some said. I could walk and there was nothing much anyone could do about the pain, just take all the pain killers they give you. Surita came to pick me up and sent me home. I entered the quiet home, put on some loud music. Tina Turner’s “The Best” followed by Destiny’s Child’s “Survivor” and took a deep breath. I couldn’t dance but felt good because the damn pain killers were doing its job.
Then I thanked God, yup that was the agreement I had with Him. I won’t ask anything but will thank Him when things go right. That way, we need not argue about the “why” when you don’t get what you ask for. Simple. We all create our own way of communicating with Him and who is to judge what is right or wrong?
Yes, had music on the whole evening until I went to bed. The tone of music slowed down ending with Charlie Puth’s “One Call Away”. I just imagined I was dancing - it helped. It was uncomfortable to go to bed, but due to exhaustion, I managed to sleep a little.
Not once did I look in the mirror to see how my chest looked like - am not ready for it. I will do so at my own time, because it still has not sunk in me that I have lost a breast. It was all done while I was in deep sleep. It is not like I saw them removing it and me screaming after it (give me back my breast!) as they took it away, something like a scene in a horror movie! No, I have all the time in the world…eventually I will, I have to, until then let me be.
At the end of the day, it felt good to be on my own really - my mind and thoughts had its uninterrupted space to think anything and react any way without questions. I could feel anything without any judgment.
I heard the Whispers of my soul… ”You made it”
March 2022