48. Pre-Opperation Thoughts
When do you stop talking about your cancer? How much is too much? Is it playing the old violin? Is there any best-before-date which expires your right to mention the word cancer?
And when you don’t talk about it, people ask you why are you going to the clinic? Why are you taking the meds? It’s like they have all forgotten why we are the way we are.
If we don’t talk about it doesn’t mean we are completely cured. Who wouldn’t want to be? We cling onto remission, our lives are extended, sometimes decades i.e cancer free.
Should all cancer survivors stop all these bullshit of being “brave, strong, courageous & all the heartfelt words” that has been thrown at us while we were bald, with no eye brows nor lashes, sick, throwing up, no taste buds? It was survival mode that we switch on, & believe me, we don’t like to be reminded of being this superhero. It’s survival baby! I share to remind myself of what I’ve gone thro’ & how blessed am to see another day. I share in the hope someone else going thro’ the same feels they’re not alone.
I’ve put on my red lip stick & danced my way out of all the pain imaginable. Am grateful for all the blessings I have. Oh I still put on that lip stick, dance & like what the mirror reflects.
And that’s how I’m going into the hospital today - dancing. For surgeries which is needed; which is going to be painful to wake up to; which is going to conclude any more messing around with my boobs. I even took a colourful get-away bag, pretending to go away on a spa-vacation! I’ll imagine coming out of the steam room with a towel wrapped around me looking like a knock-out actress ….. I’ll be probably too knocked out to do that in the hospital with IV-dripping into my body!
Upon return from vacation in SE-Asia went into the hospital for the operation which I had declined two dates earlier in the year, giving some silly reason which anyone with Cancer would not have done so. But that’s me, wanting to do things before anything happens. What things? I think we all are born with some tiny little dots of psychic powers to see some blocks in our pursuits of doing things. Or perhaps our priorities all gets messed up because we turn a blind eye to realities. Whatever it is, operation means down time, which means you are tied down. For me, a week will look like a month! You guessed it, am impatient to get well fast!
It’s going to be just fine. Am going to be dancing again with no signs of cancer on my chest. But first I need to face the pain that will come with it. Don’t they say “no gain without pain”? But what level of pain I do not know. No, there is no tumours to be removed but doing what they deemed as the best thing to do & to which I have agreed after a long period of self thought, which I will explain after the operation. To be honest, I have no clue what if this process will be less painful or just the opposite. I wish there was some kind of machine you go into and out you come with your body corrected, parts removed, added whatever is needed to be whole again. In my dreams…
Cancer will always be there but this time it will be my shadow instead of me being the shadow. We’ve made our peace. I’ve accepted that I can never go back to how it was before. I’ll be just me, blessed with new days everyday to create havoc🙃
Thank you for all your wishes & prayers.
I heard the Whispers of “again” ….“you will survive this”
Sept 2024