47. Colourful Birthdays
Colourful Whispers of my birthdays
22 June 2022, 3 months after my mastectomy & the well into the chemo journey … I was determined to be a colourful version of a screaming cancer. Just be me!
22 June 2024, after 2 years of roller coaster journey with whatever that came along ... I am still determined to be the colourful version of a whispering cancer. Absolutely just be me!
The train was overloaded at the start of the journey, with so many bumpy rides, off-loading battered emotions, turmoils, doubts, heart aches, pain, people but the load that hanged on, balanced everything with joy, clarity, unconditional support & love. And let me be me!
So many things have happened since then & so many things have not happened since then. That means I am now in the wagon of reality. The only obvious reminder of cancer are the medical visits, medication & the side effects. Or when I pause to think of where I am right now, I recollect everything related to it. I’ve decided mentally that I should leave all worries with cancer in the hands of my care-gives i.e. the medical staff. After all, I cannot do anything about it. They are the experts to whom I go to when needed. Why didn’t I think about this before? I’ve had my 4th IV-drip for strengthening of my bones. I do get emotional when I walk in & the nurse prepares me for it. It brings back memories of my chemo days. You go through the normal side effects of it, muscle & joint pains but it goes over. But you get to keep your hair! Best of all, since then, the acceptance of non-expectations, & the acceptance of cancer as a friend. They say keep your enemies close - she was the closest, being my breast cancer. You cannot get closer than that.
I’ve now reclaimed my passion for writing. I’ve gone back to writing seriously, attended a writers’ event. Am planning on more. Have come in contact with like-minded debut writers - amazing. Guess what, I have eaten dinner on my own without feeling conscious of myself. That’s a biggie for me since cancer invaded. Still room to work on this though. They say a writer’s world is being alone but then again, cancer have laid the foundation to be able to handle that. Alone does not mean lonely.
Call me vain or anything you fancy but I am obsessed with the precious regrowth of my hair, my eye lashes, my eye brows! The mirrors everywhere doesn’t get a rest! I hope to continue being crazy, dancing, laughing loud, crying, don’t do all things right, annoy people….. and be me!
There are & will always be grey days but I see it as a necessity. To pause. To cry a little. To be part of living a life. To be in touch with reality. To feel alive. And to shop for more lipsticks! That’s my comfort thing. A huge necessity indeed. It has seen me at my worst & at my best!
I don’t do well with self-help guide or motivational books. We have a bad relationship for years. Am pretty sure many have been helped or saved by them, so they must exist. We are, after all, individuals with our own stories. One size doesn’t fit all. Have come to a cognitive mental conclusion that no one is going to write with me in mind, so just need to pick & choose what is relevant & applies to me for that moment. After all, what could be worse than cancer! I have “The Little Book of Ikigai” (my youngest sis Geeth gave it to me) by Ken Mogi on the side-table in my lounge, whereby I read a page or two when my head & heart are not on good terms. Sometimes I go back to re-read to have a silent debate.
I love celebrating others but have always hated being celebrated. Now, am grateful for another birthday. Being celebrated in any way possible. Not that I want to say I’m a year older but to say I’m still around another year, whether my enemies like it or not. I in an eternal gratitude to my pillar of support, my princess Natasha for all the birthdays I get.
I feel blessed. No, I know I’m blessed even though I annoy God with my crazy conversations🙏🏽 It is sometimes a one-sided debate which seems to work well with us. Not changing my take on this.
Thank you for the support in different ways you have given/shown me. You are the colourful version of humanity. You are beautiful & you make me feel beautiful.
I’m good.
I heard the Whispers of “birthdays” ….“you are colourful ”
June 2024