46. I Feel Good

If someone had said a year ago today, that I’d be fine I wouldn’t have believed it. Even I can’t believe that I have actually pulled myself out of the black hole I slipped into. Depression. Invisible depression.

Yes, last year, I couldn’t see myself being able to look at back one day & say just that.

I’m discussing this again, but in detail this time, because mental health doesn’t stop here just because I’ve managed to pull myself out. It’s an ongoing issue; it’s fragile. It’s still invisible but reversible.

I feel good today.

A year ago, today, I “lost” all the “strength” from being strong, a word that was continuously thrown at me. I believed I was strong, because I was forced to. I was fragile, just finished my treatment (chemo & radiation). But I succumbed to unkind remarks, cruel attitudes & insensitive behaviour towards my cry for understanding that depression was knocking on the door to my soul. Looking back now, horrible thoughts were taking over & I wanted to unload my chest to be able to breath. I wanted unspoken understanding. There were moments when there were no hands reaching out to hold my hands. I was drowning. I was clinging onto a thin thread of depression. Believe me, it was one of the toughest, painful, lonely feeling. Yes some people can be very judgemental where your cancer is concerned & decide when you should be cancer free. They decide you are strong. They decide you cannot associate with depression. All these were a trigger to slip from feeling of depression into the black hole. Only this time, I was not pretending to play a role in an Alfred Hitchcock movie. I was acting me, playing out my best role ever which would have given me an Oscar, presented by Michelle Yeoh!

And my contribution to the whole scenario was, I had expectations. So wrong. I expected people close to me & family to be just kind, sensitive & sympathetic towards me. Even after treatment, a little longer. After all, I was still recovering from a horrible treatment. I guess, after being so strong for a year, being robbed of one year of peace & normality, I just wanted people to say, “I’ve got you” while you stroll into depression. Too many imaginative movie roles seemed to have taken over my mind. Who the hell will say those words in reality? George Clooney? Hyun Bin? But guess what, after a long period of therapy, I’ve come to accept that “no expectations, no disappointments” which is one of the best way forward, the best protection you can give your mental being.

No, am not ashamed to say the above because it is what it is. No, it was not a sign of weakness to acknowledge depression. No, it was not acting. Depression is so, so, so f****** real!

I can only speak for myself. There were signs but I tried my best to convince myself that it cannot happen to me. Me, Lalitha the devil with a red lipstick! Some days you wake up & feel emotionally down, some days you cry for no reason, some days you feel lack of understanding on a huge scale, some days you are afraid to go out to the mall alone, and not spend your money on shopping! And what about my conversation with God, you may wonder. Depression blocks you from anything you cling to, anything you normally would do, anything that gives you strength. It is just black walls. It is that shitty! The passage to the dark place goes very fast, so seeking help before you reach the black hole is crucial. But in all honesty, it is hard to comprehend when you are sliding along that path.

But hey, if you have to go through hell on earth, go through it knowing that the sun & the blue skies are always there even if it is for a moment, through all seasons on earth. Seek help from a therapist/healthcare before you go deeper into the hole, because they know & understand what you are going through. I did.

Grateful & thankful for the help I received from my therapist, my acceptance of depression which was alien to me & all the kind people in my life. Love you guys.

I am still taking back slowly all things it took away from me, while letting go a few, but at a phase which suits me. I feel good. I feel colourful. I am the girl with the red lipstick, smiling back at me in the mirror.

Be kind. On any level, big or small. The impact is larger than life. You never know who you will save.

And be kind to yourself too. I need to be kind to myself too.

I heard the Whispers of “kindness” ….“you matter”

March 2024