22. Butterflies in my Tummy
It occurred to me the other day, chemo are chemicals that are poisonous, for the right reason, administered to clean out everything out of my body, especially to remove the alien which clings onto & multiples despite a huge protest & plea. I asked myself, does it really remove everything? Everything that makes me human? Does it drain out all feelings a human being have or develop? Does having cancer mean I cannot fall in love? Feel the butterflies in my tummy? Or fall out of love for the matter?
The body produces so many hormones that are not only difficult to pronounce but also the list gets longer every time someone discovers the “whys” & find something to blame on. All ending with “in” apart from common hormones that men think makes us tick! Love itself is such a complicated feeling, attraction, desire, passion, that till today people who profess to study it come up with so many versions of it. The internet is full of advices how to suppress unwanted love, how to manage the craziness, its drive or even guidelines as to how to fall in love. Does cancer takes away some of this craziness? Does it suppress it completely because you are so in pain that it blinds everything else? Does it wash away all those hormones all together with your white blood cells & turn them into green monsters?
I have heard of couples separating when a partner is diagnosed with cancer. Not everyone in love can handle the trauma & the difficult twisted situation cancer can creates. So much of torture, unbelievable behaviour, unbearable language, tiring conversations & sheer madness that cancer floats in is enough even for the cancer patient to distant oneself from anyone close. Even God is not discriminated. Then you wonder why in the name of heaven & hell you hear the words being said in a marriage vow “through sickness & in health”. Actually, I would like to shake the person who wrote that marriage vow so hard that a new sensible vow would come out! Pardon my attitude but I have cancer!
Then you hear of a love story where a cancer patient meets someone during treatment, someone who stands by her, sees her through her madness, but sees the beauty of love shining through & marries her, then you think, perhaps it is the kind of love which is tested before you actually “fall in love”. Kind of love that will stay. A beautiful love story indeed. It gave hope. You know who you are - bless you both. Dopamine, released by the brain, seems to hide somewhere where chemo cannot reach, together with the oxytocin, serotonin & beta-endorphin (don’t ask me but we apparently need all of these to be madly in love). Wonder will there come a time we could take blood test to see if one of them is missing or the level is low, so that we could somehow correct it to fall & stay in love forever? I leave it there…
But the question many ask is “do you have the energy” to fall in love with anyone when you are going through such a tiresome journey? Would anyone really give a damn to someone who is showing all obvious signs of cancer? You look like a creature from Star wars. Beauty is defined so superficially by everyone, so much so it has to have some kind of Hollywood inspired look to be considered beautiful. The beauty that comes from the heart is ignored, overlooked, does not shine because of the black hole one has fallen into.
No one dare tell you that you have a beautiful heart when you are crying & suffering in agony. No one dare talk about love when you are vomitting green shit after a chemo. No one dare talk about introducing you someone, when you are completely hairless. No one dare tell you after your removal of your breast that you would make a beautiful bride! No one dare tell you that you look gorgeous when you wake up & must know where your original eye brows were, to draw them! Nooooo, that’s the last thing you need to think of right now, & that’s the nicest thing anyone can say, right? Not only does the chemo brainwashes you but is too jealous to allow you permit all the dopamine etc to lust you to become a loveable person, & you forget that this is possible. Think cancer, eat cancer, dream cancer, live cancer! That seems to be motto which my brain seems to adapt instantly because it is chanted everywhere.
Then you wonder why you shed a tear when the nurse holds your hand & ask you to pretend that someone else is holding your hand during biopsies etc. Who? Then again, would you believe anyone who proclaims his or her love to you during these times? Doubts will definitely creep in but who would encourage such a passion? What if things go wrong? Blame it on cancer? I guess it is all comes to an individual level & choice. So I am going to extend my mental flirtation not just to dance, but perhaps, a little romancing, feel the butterflies in my tummy when someone sends a poem, see past the words, pretend to be Emma in “Pride & Prejudice” or Elinor in“Sense & Sensibility. Or any modern day story. And perhaps one day not having to pretend, who knows…..Am I in love? God, are you going to have that private conversation again with me?
Love conquers all they say. True or not, only those who have had the benefit of the doubt will be able to justify that. If there is energy left after all the horrendous behaviour & subconscious actions the treatment showers upon us generously, all the love hormones should be welcomed. After all, cancer cannot take away every thing. I am in love with the song “Dream Baby Dream” by Bruce Springsteen at the moment.
I heard the Whispers of love….”you are human”
August 2022