7. The Decison
Every visit meant taking one step closer to finding the right solution to handle the breast cancer. A lot of guessing, reading too much on the internet and hearing so many version of how people knew people who had breast cancer. They all meant well but I just followed the different thoughts the hospital had. At first I thought they would remove the tumours and have chemo. Sounded all so simple and no complications. Right?
On my final meeting with the doctors, it was decided that a mastectomy (& part removal of a few lymph nods) and reconstructive surgery is what I should do. That was the best solution, they concluded. Now it was no longer abstract - it was here, right at your door step.
That was the first time I lost my cool. After so long I was beginning to like my body; I trained, I started to wear clothes that was flattering; I lost weight and I felt good. And now they are going to remove a part of my body. It was not a comforting thought. A single mastectomy. It was not going to be a balance front, that was the first thought and I thought aloud. The doctors were right in saying that the most important thing right now was to remove the cancer; get it out of the system! This was echoed by almost everyone in my support circle. No time in delaying the operation, wanting time to think about it. Double mastectomy was not actual right now. Everything else is in the future, right now it is too emotional for me to think straight.
Kelly Clarkson’s “Broken & Beautiful” is blasting in the background as I write this.
All kinds of situations and scenarios went through my head. Two changes - my hair and my breast. Would I be able to look at myself in the mirror during the healing period? Talked to a couple of friends who assured me that I will get used to it and everything will “look normal”. I refused to google. I didn’t want to know until I have gone through it. What you don’t know doesn’t hurt you, didn’t someone say that?
Family and friends either called or messaged to say that I will be in their prayers and that I just have to be strong. Bless them. Three days before the operation, I decided not to meet anyone; just felt the need to be by myself. I was going to talk to myself; have a private conversation with God; cry if I can’t help it; dance and dream away; and stay in the world of IG! As though it was meant to be, the night before the operation, a Swedish actor actually acknowledged a DM with a heart (like) on IG. Didn’t expect that. Bless him.
My family and friends did the worrying for me, being alone at home after the operation. Someone should be with you when you arrive home, everyone said. No, I just couldn’t bring myself to think otherwise. Again the thought that I do not know in what condition I will be, so I cannot worry about it. It cannot be that bad, can it? So, am not going to ask anyone to come and stay. In fact Natasha went to stay with her father - I didn’t want to put that heavy responsibility on her plus not to see me in whatever condition I may be. One thing at a time. I have Charlie Puth’s “One Call Away”. I will survive.
With that I packed my bags, am going to bed, ready to face my surgery date.
Good night all.
I heard the Whispers of prayers from everyone…”God is with you”
March 2022