5. Reality
It is so so difficult to ask for help because something always tells you that you should not bother others, you cannot be helpless. The biggest fear is that people might let you down. It is a difficult barrier to break.
I remember having a conversation with a friend Linda who said that is is okay to let others want to take care of you; want to help you; to receive their help without feeling guilty. Sort of a permission to accept the above.
Reality did hit me one morning. I just didn’t want to get out of my bedroom; it meant going out of the room and facing the reality that I have breast cancer. It dawned on me, strong or not strong, I actually have cancer. Me! Tears started to dwell in my eyes and I sobbed silently, afraid I will be judged by my conscious for not being strong! After a while, I sniffed back the tears, and crawled out of bed and stepped out of the room. The sun was up and shinning through the sheers, as though putting a spot light on me. It’s going to be a good day, I forcefully told my mind.
Chatted with Cecilia. It was normal to feel this way. It was okay to have a bad day and cry out. Mahes thought likewise - I should cry. So I had my share of tears but getting lost in the world of songs and imaginary dance pulled me up. It’s going to be a good day, I forcefully told my mind every time.
I was glad that I continued going to a dance school but I knew I would have to stop at one point of time. But until then, I was going to enjoy it. In fact, news songs found its way to my list every time we attended a class and that was great. I told myself that I will return and dance again, not just Afro-fusion but also Kizumba.
Reality meant I must accept the fact some days I will feel sick, might not be myself, and the physical and mental pain that will come in waves during this journey. But if you have never been on this journey, how would you know the magnitude of all these? So, I told myself, when I reach the bridge I will cross it. That was the most I could do and have no control what so ever. Actually, knowing this last fact was comforting.
I was not going to say “life is unfair” because I decided that the day you are born, everything about life will be unfair no matter what. So, when you accept that, you cannot feel pity nor sorry for yourself, and that is my personal opinion.
People do mean well but sometimes it comes out all wrongly, especially if you are the one having the cancer. You hear some saying “everything happens for a reason”. Really? Forget me, what about children with cancer? Okay, don’t forget me. What is the reason? Of course, there was no valid answer to my question. I had my private conversation with God but I did not ask “why” because I did not want to put God in a situation where He couldn’t answer, huh! And then you have people who suddenly seems to be very knowledgable of statistics on cancer. “Everyone seems to have breast cancer”! Everyone? So? Am I suppose to feel comforted to think it is like sneezing? No big deal, right? But hell it is my cancer and I own it. It is affecting me. It is individual. Then someone will come along and say “as we grow older, we get all types of sicknesses”. Breast cancer knew my age? What can you do more than just smile it away. Who knows, I could be the moron who didn’t comprehend the above. After all, it takes all kind of people to make the world go round, including me.
Whatever the situation is going to be I have already decided that I will dance away …
I heard life Whisper …”you got this”
March 2022