4. In A Hurry
The shock stayed for a while but I guess reality will hit soon.
You get to hear things like “Now you need to focus on yourself and no one” and “putting yourself first is not selfish anymore”. “I need to think me”. It may sound easy but if you have not done so for years, it takes a lot of reminders and I had plenty who stood behind me to remind so. Plus, my songs and those imaginary dancing partners as well….
Dressed up and went to the supermarket. There was this young man, always a friendly approach, at the fish section. He was all smiles. I have now learnt to continuously smile. Believe me, it was working; I meant I forgot the word cancer or rather like some life coaches may say, go into denial. Whatever! Had a little chat, he gave me all his time, to file the fish the way I wanted, removing the pin bones with a tweezer like pliers. I was actually noticing details of his service which I wouldn’t have done otherwise. Is it because of my sickness has made me more aware of everything around me? Don’t know but it was a positive sign, anyway. When I told him how I cooked the fish, he smiled and said that he should eat more Indian food! Now that I call a obvious flirt. Even if you don’t agree. I walked away, all the way to the parking, with a smile on my face and that felt good. He made my day! Tina Turner greeted me with her song “The Best” as I drove home.
I decided to dress up, like never before, go out and have fun. Friends took me out to the restaurant, eat my favourite dishes. It went on late in the night and felt alive again, in fact, young again. It did not stop there. My dear friend organised dinner at her place. We were 5 ladies in the legal profession - Katarina, Jenny, Ulrika, Cecilia. Boring? Absolutely not. We had a hilarious time, talking about dating apps, flirts, gossips and anything that made us laugh. The side of me which was long gone was slowly coming back. Then there were Steffi & Babitha who came home with take away that was enough for a week! And of course my super support, Natasha, who continued to say “you will be okay mum”.
It wasn’t just people personally who gave me moral support and encouragement. It was virtual as well. My sisters Usha, Shan, Geeth, Mala & Latha kept the telephone line hot. And my brothers too. Thank you all for the love you showed me just then and continue to show. You allowed me to stay where I am at that moment in time - still in a shock and not crying. I needed that space.
One thing I was learning again….It is okay to receive compliments on my look, my hair and my smile. My eyes. The last time I heard that was when I was a student in France (maybe the French are too romantic). I was enough and it took a situation like this to make me feel this way, unlike before. And to realise that. I felt good and I don’t care even if it lasted only for a moment sometimes.
With that feeling, combined with dancing and music, I was not going to let cancer pull me down. I was going to wrap cancer with dance glamour…
I heard my soul Whisper…..”I am enough”.
February 2022