2.The waiting
I have developed this habit of sometimes imagining that I am dancing with someone (whoever my heart desired at that moment) and attending some function or some masquerade party when I am dancing. I call it mental flirtation but who cares, it is a beautiful feeling and made me smile. Nope, it was not day dreaming! Never had the luxury of doing this before. What a waste of years! And I do not need any psychoanalysis of any kind please! I think it never hurts to dream away. Hmm! And it made me forget about the cancer test etc.
The mind is powerful, more powerful than the Alice in Wonderland syndrome at times, especially when you wake up one day and feel “how could it be happening to me” even though it was not happening, if you understand. I was collecting my verdict way before they could give it to me. And that is the time you want people around you to understand what you are going through without me having to tell them what I was going through. They should know, right? Crazy but that’s the kind of feeling you get.
Then you pull yourself together and do your face, put on some make-up and push the little strand of hair back in position and smile back at the mirror - yeah, good enough. Yes, I do that every morning now a days. Because it makes me feel good. Because in case someone decides to do FaceTime. Because in case the post man delivers a parcel to your door. Because in case you need to run down to get some fish or milk. Call me vain or use any new found coined words that’s being created by IG. I call it self-care.
I called a few friends over for coffee to share with them what I was going through. I was having doubt as to whether I should actually do anything about it if it was positive. All of them some how were on the same wave length and said “you have gone through so much the past 3 years and still standing strong, this should be a piece of cake. Why should you give in now?”
A new old friend came for dinner. My sisters have been trying to “educate me socially” to drink wine. I resisted this for a long time. My friend brought wine and “we’re going to drink, darling” she said. So we toasted six times and I took six sips of wine. Good enough, I felt dizzy and found myself laughing a lot and I was on top mood! I didn’t need music to make me float around. Funnily, I was smiling and not at all feeling depressed when I was talking about my tests. I was really feeling good on this day - must be the wine. I can’t tell…P.S. decided that the wine drinking will take a back seat for now.
Sometimes you really need to talk to people face to face, to get that “slap on your face” feeling, no matter how strong you may be. Some kind of affirmation.
Looking up songs, tidying up and creating song lists, sometimes I would go on for hours late into the night and wee hours of the morning became a new habbit.
In the film “Marry Me” Jennifer Lopez introduced this gorgeous Colombian artist Maluma and I discovered the song “Sobrio”. Boom! it went on repeat, loud in my house, and I pulled myself out of the dip above.
I heard the Whispers of kindness …“you will be fine”
February 2022