50. THE News
Being strong is tiring. It’s energy craving & drains you till you feel sick. I no longer have the energy to even say “be strong” to myself. Screw “strong”! I just want to be me & go through whatever that comes along, my way. No, the song “I did it my way” is not playing in the background.
After my massive surgery, in the post came a bright yellow paper to remind me that some tissue samples have been sent to the lab. Would take many weeks before any results. It never made it to the fridge magnet. I just didn’t want to think about it. It is what it is, I cannot change a damn thing, right? Being strong is just that right? Being human is it bothers you once in a while; when someone ask you about the result or tell you “you’ll be fine”.
A couple weeks ago, before the lab results came out, while I was on my own, I was watching the final episode of a powerful Japanese series (The Family) which made me have an emotional charred up dialogue with my inner soul & God…The character was strong all along until it drained him….nah, not going to destroy the story in case you want to see it.
Anyway, guess what? The result came out negative - no tumours in the sample taken. Took some time to sink in. Have been working on ‘it is what it is’ mentality & was ready to let go. No I was not being strong, just giving peace to myself while trying to recover from the operation. No I was not being strong, just accepting what life takes. So the result took me by surprise but am grateful. Celebration right?
First celebration. Much later after it sank in, I went into the bathroom & looked at myself in silence. Then I cried. It was a mixture of everything. No screaming sobs but enough to frighten my reflection in the mirror.
Second celebration. Then I dressed up in my favourite saree & pretended to have a busy photo shoot. Camera, pose, hold it! I imagined that & thoroughly enjoyed the day. Unfortunately my make-up artist was not around to touch up every time I felt like crying! Need to complain! Why photograph? To see the progress from 2022. Dressing up has taken a new meaning since I was diagnosed with Cancer. Plus it’s my way of celebrating!
Third celebration. Being grateful for every obstacle that is cleared along the journey. Also accepting that life gives & takes at the same time. Any time. How small a victory, it is still a victory. No, I didn’t go outside & yell the neighbourhood down. I had a conversation with my God.
Now it is just to continue working on my recovery. Getting on with being a slow-motion ninja, combating the slow moving road to recovery. A mis-match between me and recovery. Am impatient to get over the recuperating period…because this part of the journey has only begun. Slow healing but still able to get on the devil’s nerves! That’s me. Couldn’t have come so far in my recovery journey without my princess Natasha.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, tell me …. You’re doing good You still can create havoc You just be you With a red lipstick💄
So many of you have “congratulated me” on hearing the result, for which I am deeply grateful. You are ‘family’ in true sense of the word. God bless & thank you all who’s hanging on this journey with me 💖 even though it can be a pain to hear the word cancer.
P.s. getting the lab result as negative does not mean am “completely cured”. There is no cure but to dance through every obstacles that comes my way. It’s the moment that counts, the extension of life….
Grateful & thankful for everything & everyone. Grateful to get to be just me.
God bless.
I heard the Whispers of “tears” ….“you’ll be fine”
Dec 2024