Parents whispered … “Lalitha is your name. Nair is your surname. Lali is what some will call you affectionately”.

Dreamt awful lot while I was young - apart from the usual girls’ dreams, wanted to do so many things, some of which clashed with the ideal upbringing in a Hindu family. Dreaming was one way to get your own space where no one could come in, especially with 14 children (9 girls & 5 boys) in the family. Our home was never quiet but we were never alone, had a great time, all the arguments, taking sides, getting into innocent troubles, including physical fights with our brothers. We were a handful …

Dreams of being a Formula 1 racer, join the military, a nurse, a psychologist, a writer, to act on stage, lawyer, the list was endless. Many were shot down at early stage and many were too challenging. My father chose my early career - a secretary. He didn’t believe in further education of the girls, after all we all be given away in marriages to serve another family. Plus the financial burden.

Younger years saw me busy with being on stage & radio plays, dance, choreography, volunteering at The Blind Association, Women’s Aid. I excelled in the chosen career, but I was choking. The urge of further education made me restless. I passed the entrance test, got acceptance in the UK to study law but my father said no and that was final. When talks of match- making started and series of incidents affected me personally, I made a spontaneous decision to leave to study - (passed the entrance exam again) & got acceptance in a university in the US, but lost out due to insufficient fund, so plan B, to France.

Love and marriage took me to Sweden; a husband, two lovely daughters, a house with no dog, a good job, a hard earned law degree while working full time with two children, a passion for cooking, painting and writing, published a cook book; not forgetting all the ups and downs of a marriage. A month before Christmas, he staged a premeditated walk-out, after 32 years, via a phone call to the office….for another. And I was still mourning the passing of my mum.

It was 3 years of roller-coaster with pain, loss of self confidence, feeling unworthy, trust issues, self-blame, everything a divorce can put on the table. A one-sided emotional divorce. My version of rock bottom but I survived. It took a divorce to know who would stand by you and am thankful to those who did, you know who you are. Mum has always been the punching bag but she watched from above…I hope.

I was constantly reminded, even by my own clingy conscious, that I need to think of everyone around me. With constant encouragement from family & friends, I decided in 2022, I was going to be kind to myself; I was going to priortise my well being; I was going to live again; I was going to go on dating apps; I was going to re-discover little things about myself that I have forgotten, buried under a pile called responsibilities of a wife, mother, friend, enemy. I have always been someone’s wife, lover, mother, sister, devil, nightmare, but I wanted to be SOMEONE. I was going to be that brave person again, full of dreams and hopes, who ventured out of Asia to Europe all alone, and made it. An experienced version…

Somehow I forgot to add an important clause in the deal with the almighty just before 2022 - no more interruptions in whatever is left of my journey. Damn it!

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